The GOP Convention's Official Guide to Donald and Melania Trump, Kim Jong-un Version

The Republican candidate is 'the very definition of the American success story.' His wife is a cross between Cindy Crawford and Mother Theresa.

A combination photo of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump.
Korean Central News Agency / Lucas Jackson, Reuters

Stand aside, Warren Buffett. Move along, Larry Page. Admit that you’ve been bettered, Tim Cook, Jeff Bezos and even Sheldon Adelson.

Because Donald Trump isn’t just a prosperous businessman and real estate tycoon, he is “the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence.”  Continually, not sporadically.

How do I know? Because that’s what it says in the Official Guide to the 2016 Republican National Convention that is being held in Cleveland this week. And it’s official, so it must be true.

And even Trump is almost a gurnischt compared to his wife, Melania, who is obviously successful beyond your wildest dreams. The prospective first lady “is an accomplished businesswoman and entrepreneur in her own right, achieving tremendous success in a variety of industries, including a very illustrious modeling career,” the guide informs us.

“With a penchant and passion for the arts, architecture, design, fashion and beauty, Mrs. Trump has thrived on the cultural diversification of New York City. This passion can only be surpassed by her dedication to helping others, evidenced by her continuous generosity.”

A Gisele Bundchen or Cindy Crawford, then, with more than a touch of Anna Wintour and Mother Theresa combined.

The potential presidential couple’s official bio hacks obviously didn’t hold back in heaping slavish praise on the possible next occupants of the Oval Office.

In a style reminiscent of Kim Jong-un and the late and great Nicolai and Elena Ceausescu – or of some other famously pompous power couple from the Middle East, if you insist – the Trumps are portrayed as the epitome of achievement and the envy of the world.

But even then, don’t ever forget to plug the golf courses, as Trump did in Scotland in his famous reaction to the Brexit vote. Because you never know.

“His portfolio includes the historic Mar-A-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida” (Historic, you hear me? Like the Washington Monument meets Mount Rushmore, at the very least!) “and his ever expanding collection of award winning golf courses (18 thus far).

He recently added the iconic (already?) golf resorts of Turnberry, Scotland and Doonbeg, Scotland to his portfolio and Trump National Golf Club Washington D.C. has been highly acclaimed.” (And if I don’t get to be President, perhaps you’d be interested in a little investment? Call me.)

Melania Trump’s write up also mentions her long list of equally famous achievements, including the time she was asked “to participate in the Fifth Annual National Love Our Children Day and the beginning of National Child Abuse Prevention Month by ringing the closing bell at Nasdaq,” (Gling, gling!).

“Melania’s philanthropic interests more and more represent her humanitarian side and she remains an indefatigable and dedicated New Yorker. (Oh, and the photo where her eyes glaze over as her husband brandishes his famous smile? To die for.)

Of course, the official guide neglects to mention Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Casinos, Trump Vodka and many other failed ventures, but don’t nitpick.  It’s only because there was no room for those fiascos in the “very definition of the American success story.”

Otherwise, the official guide is rather ho-hum, though it does contain several understated tidbits. GOP Chairman Reince Priebus greeting doesn’t mention Trump by name, but does urge delegates to “send our nominee with the wind at his back to take back the White House.”

Perhaps he is deferring to the Convention delegates, who hadn’t officially nominated Trump when the guide went to press.

In any case, Priebus’ endorsement is overwhelmingly gushing compared to John Kasich’s, Trump’s former Republican rival for the nomination and the Governor of Ohio, which is hosting the convention. Kasich writes that he is “hopeful that this Convention will produce a pathway to solutions that bring us together as a nation.”

As far as Kasich is concerned, there is no Trump, not even an anonymous nominee, no elections, and no White House, zero, zilch, nada. On Sunday night, “Team Kasich” released the governor’s schedule for the week of the convention: he’ll be here, there and everywhere in Cleveland, just not at the convention and nowhere near Trump.

Finally, the guide lists the “supporters” of the Republican National Committee – meaning the people who gave money – and they include some familiar names.

Three of them are major stakeholders in Israeli media – Dr. Miriam and Sheldon Adelson, owners of the free daily Israel Hayom, Len Blavatnik, the London tycoon who recently bought Israel’s Channel 10 and Seth Klarman, Boston hedge fund manager and owner of the Times of Israel. No wonder everyone complains that the Israeli media is so leftist.