In a coup to graphic design sure to baffle cartographers, Andrew Torba, CEO of the far-right social media platform Gab, has laid out new borders for the United States, which he re-dubbed “Jesusland.”
The map, which reduces the landmass of the U.S. by roughly a quarter by cutting off New England, the Tri-State Area and Maryland to the East; whole slabs of the Midwest and the entire Western Seaboard, is a head spinning rendering of the America Torba wants. Not since C.J. Cregg gazed upon the Peters Projection have we been more disturbed by a rendering of our country.
So, who is the map good for — if not the state of the Union — and is it good for the Jews?
Capitals of industry and entertainment, from New York to Illinois and California, are absorbed into Canada’s provinces to form the United States of Canada. Whether or not that means they enter the Commonwealth is an open question. Canada gains the entirety of the Great Lakes and manages to keep contiguous borders (minus its addition of sunny Hawaii and its previously retained islands). It’s really a net gain — especially since Canadians can now reclaim Seth Rogen by swallowing up LA.
The debate between Montreal and New York holed bread need no longer be an issue of national pride with the advent of Jesusland. Instead, it becomes a playful competition between Canadian countrymen with all the good bagels now originating from the U.S. of C. Recipes — and maybe even some of that vaunted New York water — will be able to travel unimpeded and the state of the art can be improved. (Sorry to Jesusland, which will have to subsist mainly on sad rolls with holes and no decent schmear.)
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Canada lost some of its brightest lights to the lure of 30 Rockefeller Center and wherever they filmed “In Living Color.” With the annexation of much of the U.S., Lorne Michaels has no choice but to make “Saturday Night Live” a Maple Leaf property. Jim Carrey once more becomes a native Canadian son. Mike Myers may be good again. With this momentous shift, SCTV and SNL may join forces, saving both franchises from obsolescence.
Kinda goes without saying.
A lot of Jews will probably make aliyah once Jesusland is established. And even if they don’t, Jesusland will likely be quite friendly given that its likely Evangelical leadership need Jerusalem for their end game gambit.
The Church of Latter Day Saints
At first glance, renaming America Jesusland would seem to appeal to a people whose theology places Jesus as preaching to a lost tribe of Israel in the Americas. But in this arrangement, Mormons also lose Upstate New York, Joseph Smith’s site of revelation. They do keep Utah and Missouri, where Jesus is supposed to have his second coming. Win some, lose some.
The Democratic Party
I am not in any way an economist, but Jesusland appears to be sacrificing a huge chunk of its erstwhile GDP by jettisoning Blue States (or at least SOME of the states that voted Blue in 2020). There may be a great diaspora following this proposal, but the fact remains that Silicon Valley and Wall Street and Hollywood have infrastructure ready to go and many might opt to stay put rather than face whatever fresh hell “Jesusland” may be.
I am not a military expert either, but it seems to me that should there be a diplomatic breakdown between Canada and Jesusland, Jesusland has made itself vulnerable to the United States of Canada by hemming itself in and removing a full two-thirds of its non-Gulf coastline. Also, D.C. is gone so they’re gonna need a new seat of government.
Finally, forcing tens of millions of Americans to become Canadians based on their geography is a great way to make a lot of people angry. Don’t think they’ll stop being American — or having very loud opinions about America (sorry, Jesusland) — just because you scrawled this alternative map on a Denny’s place mat and somehow made it a reality.
I can’t speak for the Nazarene, but I’m not sure he’d want his name attached to a landmass he never visited or knew existed and whose national development is a direct result of colonialism. He’d probably also be more than a bit irked by the regular misunderstanding of his teachings, complexion and frame of reference as a first century Jewish man. But that’s beside the point.
A place called Jesusland doesn’t sound super friendly to a landsman, American, Canadian or otherwise. But hey, prove us wrong.