Does Keeping Kosher Mean Having Less Sex?

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This picture taken on October 30, 2017, shows a box of "So'ooh" flavoured oysters in Marennes, southwestern France
This picture taken on October 30, 2017, shows a box of "So'ooh" flavoured oysters in Marennes, southwestern FranceCredit: AFP PHOTO / XAVIER LEOTY

The grass always seems greener on the other side, doesn’t it? Especially for a particular segment of neurotic, anxious Jews with an abundance of hang ups about sex.

But as a recent Harvard study recently revealed, couples who eat a lot of seafood may have more sex and get pregnant faster than folk who don’t. And guess who doesn’t eat seafood? Jews! Is it possible that, as we have always suspected, other people really are having a better time at the party of existence than we are?

In Michigan and Texas, researchers asked 500 couples to log their sexual activity and seafood consumption. Now, we all know that correlation does not equal causation, but couples were 39% more likely to get laid on days when seafood was eaten. An association between seafood consumption twice a week and successful conception was found, with 92% of sardine-lovers getting pregnant, compared to the 72% of shellfish-less couples.

Suspicious! What magical aphrodisiac could be in seafood that can’t found in, say, a pickle or a bowl of cholent?

“[It] could be driven by improvements in semen quality, menstrual cycle function (e.g. increasing the likelihood of ovulation and levels of progesterone), and embryo quality as previous studies have observed these benefits with higher seafood and (omega-3) fatty acid intake,” lead study author Audrey Gaskins told Reuters.

More fish equals more sex. Are Jews just having less, or worse, sex because we’ve eschewed oysters? Maybe!

Luckily, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, or aphrodisiacs on the table. Cocoa, watermelon and avocado are all still available to any Jew who hasn’t sworn off sex but has sworn off shellfish. So hold the lobster and pass the chili peppers and the condoms! Or the pregnancy tests! Zei gezunt!

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