1. “Ten Days that Shook The World,” Jared said the other day. It’s a book about Russia, he added, something with Warren Beatty. (He’s a god to all pussy-grabbers, you know.) Anyway, it’s true. Amazing what one can achieve in such a short time. Everyone is confused. Countries are afraid. Old alliances are cracking. America is tearing itself apart. Liberals are hysterical. The lyin’ media is on the run. The image of the United States is tanking. And all because of MY tweets and executive orders. Everyone says so. Crazy!
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2. China is getting edgy, just like you wanted. I came at them with that “China First” b.s. and told your pal Tillerson and my patsy Spicer to drop some dark hints about the islands in the South China Sea. Peking – or “Beijing,” as they’re called now - freaked out. I think what really gets them is us, me and you. They can’t believe you really admire me, like you always say. They’re paranoid. They think we’re going to gang up on them (which we are, but that’s not the point). People say this brings the world closer to nuclear war. Nonsense! They’ll back down. For sure!
3. Breaking up is hard to do? Not when The Donald is around. I am pushing Britain away from Europe and encouraging others to follow. Had a great time holding hands with Theresa May – did you see she wouldn’t let go? But she got into trouble anyway. Britain has crazy haters too. Meanwhile, right-wing parties are growing stronger all over Europe and governments are holding on for dear life. I remember you told me in that cute Russian accent “Stability is our enemy.” So true!
4. The United Nations and all the do-good international groups are living in the past. They’re dead; they just don’t know it yet. They’re so pretentious, anyway. Look at what they’ve done, right? I mean the whole world is a mess! I am going to use their hatred for Israel as my excuse to cut their money and bring them down: The Jews and the GOP will love it. Suckers!
5. The Muslim world is up in arms because of my “not anti-Muslim” (LOL) immigration reforms. Jihadi radicals are empowered and moderate regimes – some of which were stupid enough to support us in public – are endangering themselves. They wanted a “clash of civilizations”? They got one. And just wait till they carry out a terror attack against Americans – which they will – I’ll come down on them so hard, people will start talking about the “ugly American” again. It’s only a matter of time before ISIS starts recruiting disgruntled Muslims with fabulous American accents right here in the States. That’s when the will really hit the fan!
6. Just a footnote: Thanks for getting Bibi to write that silly tweet about the wall with Mexico. He’s so scared of you, he’ll do anything (not as much as I am, of course, but your boys at the FSB have far less stuff on him than they do on me.) I repaid him by denying that Jews had any special claim on the Holocaust. Amazing how he’s attached himself like a Siamese twin to the only world leader less popular than he is. In America, at least, they’re smart cookies who are good at making deals. Strange!
7. As you can see, America is polarizing, some even say disintegrating. My opponents have even started to call themselves “the Resistance,” as if I am Hitler. (I mean, there are some things I admire about him – you know I once had his book by my bedside – but he just overreached. The guy couldn’t control himself.) Even real Americans who voted for me are starting to feel as if they’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire. Sure, some of them love Bannon, but when I more or less pushed him into the National Security Council at the expense of our Director of National Intelligence and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, even people on my own staff started freaking out. (As I told you a thousand times, I can’t deal with them with your methods. Not yet, anyway.)
Who knows how far this can go? Violent demos? Shootings in the streets? States seceding? Who wouldn’t want to see snooty California try to make it on its own? So funny!
8. Congress, which wasn’t great to begin with, is sinking even lower. People can tell that I don’t count them, no matter what party they’re from. Democrats are useless and Republicans are so scared of me that they’ve gone into hiding. Instead of an elephant, GOP should change its logo to a chicken. It proves I can do whatever I want. “Checks and balances” my ass. Only those two geezers, Coward McCain and Groggy Graham, are acting up, as if they’ve got nothing to lose. Can you check with your guys if we’ve got any leverage?
9. The media are petrified, and I didn’t even have to resort to your methods. I think they got the message after those reporters were arrested at the women’s demonstration in DC – and I had nothing to do with that! Our fine cops knew all by themselves what was expected. The shifty newspapers can’t keep up. I’ve put them all on defense, making up stuff as we go along. I say things like “I am the greatest” or “New Zealand is in Australia” and they pay people to fact-check me. Fools! And my ratings are still through the roof!
10. America’s image is going down. It’s only a matter of time before America’s “excepshunalism” – hope I spelled that right – will be as the most reactionary, racist and repulsive “democracy.” The only international coalitions we’ll be able to build will be with you, Bibi and Abu Dhabi. (Just remember that even though we agreed you’ll call the shots, you promised me equal billing in our new axis). With America imploding inside and looking more obnoxious every day on the outside, even Russia will soon be smelling like a rose. Fantastic!
This article is intended as satire