And the Children of Israel Encountered U.S. Border Patrol: Trump Rewrites the Passover Haggadah

*Satire. Hopefully.

Sometimes, parting the Red Sea is only half the battle.
Ohad Peer/Thinkstock

Dear Jewish brothers, let’s face it: We need a new Haggadah; the old one simply won’t do anymore. Why is this year different from all other years? Well, in case you forgot, we have a new president in the White House, the new president doesn’t like refugees, and the classic Haggadah is the ultimate refugee tale.

Think about it: It’s the story of Middle Eastern refugees who, having escaped slavery and persecution, found another land to settle in and promptly pushed everyone else out and made it theirs.

I’m sorry people, but given the new political realities, we can’t let ourselves endorse such a radical message. With old-school anti-Semitism on the rise and people close to the administration so obsessed about protecting “our civilization,” do you really think we as a people should tempt fate? We know better than that!

I say, let’s tweak the story and come up with a new Haggadah more in line with current political trends. It’s not that hard; here, I’ll show you:

“And the Lord took the Children of Israel out of Egypt. And he smote mighty Pharaoh, who had enslaved them. And, led by Aaron, he brought them to the Land of Canaan, which was totally awesome by the way, just tremendous; that is, before all the immigrants came where they encountered an officer from Customs and Border Protection.

Officer: Who are you and what is the purpose of your visit?

Aaron: We are the Children of Israel. We were brought here by God after being enslaved by Pharaoh in Egypt. We are tired, hungry and need asylum.

Officer: So you come from Egypt?

Aaron: We do.

Officer: That’s an Arab country, isn’t it?

Aaron: Yes, but we’re different people.

Officer: I don’t know, you look kind of the same to me.

Aaron: God himself brought us here, freeing us from slavery.

Officer: Do you have visas? Any documents proving your connection to divinity?

Aaron: Well, we have these two stone tablets here ...

Officer: Sir, you can’t bring tablets from Egypt into this country. That’s a security risk! Do you have any other documents?

Aaron: We do not. We’ve been wandering through the desert for 40 years.

Officer: I’m sorry sir, I can’t let you in without papers. You’re going to have to turn and go back where you came from.

Aaron: But we can’t go back. We’ll be enslaved again, or worse. We’re wanted in Egypt.

Officer: You have a criminal record?!

Aaron: Not exactly. It’s a long story.

Officer: Sir, I need you to wait here while I check your background.

(He Leaves. Finds out about the Ten Plagues. Returns.)

Officer: Sir, the Egyptian authorities have just informed me that you people are all terrorists.

Aaron: We most certainly are not!

Officer: Did you or did you not turn all the water in Egypt into blood? Flood the country with lice? Infect everyone with boils?

Aaron: Well, that was God. You see

Officer: Bring locusts into the country, shroud the country in darkness, kill all the firstborn sons?

Aaron: God, all of it!

Officer: Sir, one could reasonably argue that you were all accessories after the fact, at the very least.

Aaron: Well, but I mean, we are chosen

Officer: Sir, from what I can see, you are all terrorist-suspected refugees from a majority-Arab country. Your religion, with its vengeful God who rains down frogs, lice, and infanticide on anyone who disobeys him, is wholly incompatible with our civilization. You can’t stay here.

Aaron: So perhaps next year in Jerusalem?

Officer: Don’t count on it. Effective immediately, we’re instituting an Israelite ban.

And so the Children of Israel went back to wherever they came from, and probably some things happened to them, but who cares. The important thing is that Canaan was made great again. The end. Happy holiday, everyone.