Bottom Dollar / Saturn Is Approaching Mars. Sell!

Why is the dollar sinking? Is it a blip or a trend? Will share prices continue to fall? You don't know which of the experts to trust. But there's help out there for you.

This morning an SMS landed on my cellphone, promising ways to help me get rich by investing. All I had to do was press on Send, which would connect me to the astrologer Mati Zamir.

Since it's economics we're talking about, Rule No. 1 is a simple one that applies to Pelephone's services as well: There are no free lunches, and in the case of Zamir's advice, it would set me back NIS 29, including VAT but not including airtime. But what's a shwarma plus drink compared with investment advice?

As is right for a proper Bezeq group company, Pelephone doesn't employ amateur astrologers. This isn't some fly-by-night who finished Astrology 101 last week, or who peers at stars from his porch. Zamir boasts a record of accurate financial predictions, according to the Pelephone voicemail message. He predicted the bank-stocks crash of 1983, the United States crisis of 1987 and the boom of 1991-1994, as well as the recent setbacks. The local and international business press has been publishing Zamir's predictions for 30 years, Pelephone chirps.

Maybe he really is some capital-market crackerjack but try as I might, I couldn't find him on Google. But why be a nitpicker? For a mere NIS 29 Mati Zamir will supply you, investments ignoramus that you are, with a local and international financial forecast for September-October 2007.

Yes, September is over. But you niggle, and astrologers need to eat too (maybe they can't invest in the capital market because of insider information issues), so you pay for the service in full though it's only relevant to October.

Now for the forecast. Zamir says: The slowdown in the market continues to have an effect.

Astrological explanation: Saturn's ponderous movement toward the significant crossing of paths between Venus and Mars on the birth chart of the Tel Aviv Stock Exchange indicates that the stock market slowdown isn't over yet. Said meeting of Saturn across the line of Venus and Mars happens only once every 28 years. The last time it happened was in 1979 and it upset the stock exchange then too. Our conclusion: Sell sell sell.

Another prediction: The trend of the public giving its money to institutional investors, which break records by the day, is basically over. It may gasp along for a bit, by virtue of sheer inertia, but according to astrology, it has no future.

Astrological explanation: Venus and Mars are located in Virgo, according to the chart of the TASE, but now that Jupiter looms and Saturn's on the ascendance - dump the shares and run for your lives. Sell bonds too.

Zamir was a lot more upbeat about American stocks. I couldn't really understand his astrological analysis but it had something to do with Saturn. If you want more information, call Pelephone.