It's election season again and alongside the usual freak show, some new parties (albeit imaginary at this stage) are vying for your vote. Some are polling strongly, others are destined for the dustbin of Israel's electoral history, and most are at threat of being banned by Israel’s Central Elections Committee.
For those of you stumped by who to vote for come March 17, below are eight fictitious parties battling for your hearts, minds and deepest prejudices.
Tel Aviv Independence Party
Polling the strongest out of all the new parties, TAIP calls for the secession of greater Tel Aviv and the creation of an independent, EU- and NATO-member state. The Republic of Tel Aviv would introduce civil marriage, state-subsidized yoga and gay experimentation classes, and a "blue and white" Red Light district. “There is no future for us in Israel,” says Fatima Finkelstein, TAIP’s vegan bisexual high-tech multi-millionaire leader. “It's time to liberate our homeland. It's time for the blessed free metropolis of Tel Aviv to finally take its predestined place among the nations of the world.”
Go Back to Russia Party
Established by Israeli Arabs sick of a heavily accented ex-bouncer telling them that they don’t belong in the country in which they were born, GBRP advocates deporting all immigrant Jews from the former Soviet Union to their countries of origin. “Once back in Russia or Moldova or wherever, you’ll come to thank us, especially for saving you from malignant melanoma caused by the harsh Middle Eastern sun,” a party spokesman explained to a sunburnt Russian-speaking security guard at GBRP’s launch.
Satlaam: Potheads for Peace
Formed out of the merger of the Green Leaf party and a bunch of activist pacifists, Potheads for Peace (Satlanim Le’Ma’an Salaam) advocates the legalization of cannabis, with a twist: “Instead of bombing the shit out of Gaza every year or two, we propose a weekly blitz of the Strip with trumpet-sized joints and hash brownies,” Satlaam’s spin doctor told Haaretz. “Let’s see how accurately they manage to aim their Qassams or dig their tunnels high off their faces. Vote Satlaam if you think a stoned jihadi is an infinitely less dangerous one.”
Popular Front for the Liberation of Animalia
A joint list of the Israeli Vegan Association and Pan-Semitic Animal Lovers Congress, the PFLA aims to criminalize the slaughter of all sentient beings, aside from cockroaches: “Killing a puppy should be considered the same as killing a baby under law and caging animals should be considered enslavement,” the party chairwoman stated outside Ramat Gan Zoo, where she swore to let the animals go, if elected. Polls however indicate that the alliance is unlikely to pass the 3.25% threshold as it competes against flaming vegan idol Fatima Finkelstein, TAIP's charismatic leader.
Get Us the F**k Out of Here Party
Advocating mass yerida (the opposite of aliyah) of Israel’s skilled class through the signing of a 50-year working visa agreement with Australia, "Get" is polling promisingly at 8 Knesset seats. “We're still Jerusalem-loving, card-carrying Zionists, but Australia has so much empty land, koalas are cuter than street cats and we want to get as far away as possible from the Middle East," a party representative told Channel 48 News. How about New Zealand? “Too cold.”
Third Temple Now Party
This new single-issue party advocates moving the Dome of the Rock and the Al-Aqsa Mosque from the Temple Mount to John Kerry's back yard and building an exact replica of Solomon’s Temple in their place. The party’s founder has already purchased a moshav in the Jerusalem Hills to supply red heifers for animal sacrifice and has launched a global search for an appropriate High Priest who can prove that he descends from Aaron.
Taliban Eat Your Heart Out Party
The newest Haredi faction on the block, TEYHOP considers existing ultra-Orthodox parties morally soft. They advocate the mass deportation of homosexuals, lashings for Shabbat desecrators and mandatory burqas for women, with free canes distributed to help them navigate Israel’s treacherous streets during their strictly enforced daily one-hour outings. Also, unlike the traditional divisions between Sephardi and Ashkenazi religious Knesset factions – TEYHOP crosses the Jewish ethnic spectrum: “We won’t let ethnicity get in the way of eradicating sluts and Sodomites,” the faction’s supreme leader told an offended Haaretz reporter.
Jews in Israel, al-Shams and the entire Middle East
On the far right of the spectrum is JISM, running on a platform of unabashed colonization. “First, we’ll take Beirut, and re–name it Tel Jabotinsky,” explained a spokesman at the party's launch. “Then we’ll take Damascus (Begin’s Landing), and Amman (New Ariel), before veering south to conquer Arabia and all of its oil fields, which we’ll sell on the black market to bankroll our divine mission of Judaizing Egypt, Turkey, Iraq and finally, the Islamic Republic of Iran.” In response to a Twitter campaign mocking the party’s acronymn, JISM is in the process of rebranding itself as the "Jewish Imperium of Zionist Zealotry."
And of course, if none of these newbies take your fancy, then there are always the usual suspects to choose from. Be warned, however: many of their platforms are no less absurd, offensive or downright dangerous.
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