Better a War in August Than in October

In August, no one has the energy to get into a dispute, especially those so-called lefties, who because of their politics are suspected to be from Tel Aviv.

I didn't make it to the demonstration opposite Defense Minister Ehud Barak's apartment against an attack on Iran for several reasons. One was the unbearable weather in the city where the defense minister lives in a luxury apartment block. Many others like me didn't show up either due to the extreme heat.

And that has led me to the conclusion that the timing of any announcement by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Barak over their intent to carry out an attack on Iran would have a climatic explanation. In August, no one has the energy to get into a dispute, especially those so-called lefties, who because of their politics are suspected to be from Tel Aviv. And if that's the way it is, I have the pleasure of hereby telling the prime minister and defense minister in a clear and courageous voice: "I'm behind you. Go for it."

I have read calming statements from senior commentators who have said that if the prime minister and/or defense minister announce their desire to launch an attack on Iran that really means there's no chance they would do so, so it's understandable why I want to give them backing for such an attack. Based on the above logic, what I would really be saying is don't attack. The only problem they have is just how to sell the next war to those who are unaware of its possible benefits and then how to make such a conflict more to the liking of those who could die in the process.

Let's start with the issue of timing. With the best of intentions to blindly follow my wise leaders, and I have them, the choice of the end of October would be a mistake in my opinion. Much better options would be either right now, this very moment, when many of us who have had to remain in Israel in August would like to die, especially if we have small children; and if not now then on August 25, sparing the dear children of Israel the need to go back to school. (That, however, would require the cooperation of Channel 10, which would have to move up the final episode of "Survivor VIP" by a few days. You can't ask us to die without finding out who won a million shekels.)

If our leaders don't manage to make all the necessary arrangements to see to the safety of their loved ones by the beginning of the school year, the attack could be delayed at the very latest to the eve of Rosh Hashanah, thereby sparing us the nightmare of the holidays. It would be better after 12 noon, because at 11:40 A.M. that day I am due to fly abroad.

After we settle on the date, we can highlight the great benefits that would accrue from the next war on the economic front. First of all, without a doubt real estate prices in the Tel Aviv area would finally fall, as probably would the buildings themselves - at least if they were constructed before 1989. They would collapse with the first missile, according to professional engineers.

Henceforth you won't have to be a resident of an unauthorized West Bank Jewish outpost to qualify for relocation. And what could be better than that? And until the new place is ready, the survivors from the war in the cities can go live in tents, which would provide a big push to the social justice protest tent phenomenon.

The last thing left to settle is the list of the war dead. Defense officials speak of 500 dead in Tel Aviv, which prompts a question: Have those same defense officials decided who is going to be on the list or are they just making do with knowing who won't be on it? The list of the dead should be finalized as soon as possible to give the victims the opportunity to take proper leave of their loved ones and make all the necessary arrangements. And if I'm on the list, I intend to quit my diet immediately and start smoking again.