Opinion |

Oh, What a Useful War

B. Michael
B. Michael
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Ukrainian refugees arrive in Israel on Sunday.
Ukrainian refugees arrive in Israel on Sunday.Credit: Hadas Parush
B. Michael
B. Michael

Wars are useful events. There’s nothing like them for providing opportunities to display heroism, shed tears, unleash our worst urges, inflate egos and make a few bucks. And the Russia-Ukraine war, it turns out, is one of the best of them all in this regard.

First, there’s some chance that this time, with God’s help, many Jews will suffer enough pain to get them to consider moving to Israel. What could be better than that? After all, the myth of the Jewish majority is cracking. And people are saying this war will be even better than all those disappointing waves of antisemitism, which always end in demographic duds.

At any rate, the Immigration and Absorption Ministry is already celebrating. These refugees may have lost their homes, their property, their culture, their language, their career, their friends and their homeland, but what are all of those compared to the honor and privilege of being absorbed into the Central Bureau of Statistics’ databases? Thank you, war. Thank you, Putin. Thank you, Katyusha rockets.

Second, thanks to the war, Prime Minister Naftali Bennett has gained an exciting international stature. Or at least, so the Israeli media says. To the rest of the world, it seems, he is striding confidently toward the title of “nudnik.”

Bennett spoke with Russian President Vladimir Putin for three hours. The transcript of their conversation could accurately be titled “Missiles and the Jewish Problem.” The two occupiers agreed on the continued launch of their respective missiles – Bennett’s at Syria, Putin’s at Ukraine. They also agreed that Putin won’t hinder Bennett and Bennett won’t hinder Putin.

And of course, the Jewish problem was also on the table. It’s impossible to do without it. What’s the Jewish problem this time? There is no Jewish problem this time. But Bennett surely expressed concern, and Putin surely nodded his head. Perhaps he also snuck a glance at his watch.

But above all, this blessed war has benefited Minister Cruella de Vil (aka Ayelet Shaked), who holds the portfolio of evil in every cabinet in which she serves. At her direction, her loyal bureaucrats have once again shown their marvelous talents at the work of harassment and abuse. Once again, they have proven that their hearts are nothing but pumps that pump out acid and ice water.

Yet this moment when pure evil, primitive bloodline racism and grotesque greed intersected was also the moment when laughter froze in our throats. Refugees are being required to “show an invitation” and deposit financial “guarantees” to ensure that they’ll leave pronto. And these hundreds of thousands of shekels will be swallowed up by the state treasury if they don’t hasten to remove themselves and their impure blood. Entry without payment is permitted only to those refugees who pass the tests of mitochondrial DNA and circumcised foreskins.

It’s very strange. Not long ago, it was the refugees who did pass these tests who were denied entry and required to leave swiftly. I know what that was like. My mother and father told me.

And for a fitting dessert, we had Shaked’s statement about the money we can make from this crisis. How stupid and ignorant a Jew must be to let such a classic antisemitic statement pass his or her lips. It’s as if they were suffering from historical Alzheimer’s. Or as if the cartoonist from Der Sturmer were their speechwriter.

After all, there are countless antisemitic cartoons showing “the Jew” getting rich while the dead pile up around him – the “Jew” who profiteers off the war for the sake of filthy lucre. The profiteering Jew is the defiled brother of the Jew with the crooked nose (and enlarged penis) who intermarries with our daughters. Just like the Ukrainians who are sneaking into our country in the guise of refugees and diluting our pure bloodlines. Yuck.

And even this revelation contains something useful. After all, self-awareness is a very important thing. So we need to understand this fact – Shaked is not a benighted minority. She’s from the same mold as the majority in her country.

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