Opinion

You’ll Miss Netanyahu Yet

The so-called 'left' cannot replace the prime minister, and the alternatives are even worse | Opinion.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Olivier Fitoussi

The more the chances that it will ever return to power are disappearing, the more the last remnants of the ancient ruling tribe that is becoming extinct – namely the Ashkenazi-capitalist-secular-liberal handful, mistakenly called the “left” here – are declining into pagan ceremonies of exorcism and other kinds of severe hallucinations, as if having eaten tons of magic mushrooms in luxury restaurants.

Since its defeat in the last election, as opposed to the rosy forecasts it concocted for itself, the “left” tribe has internalized its loss. And therefore, instead of trying in vain to bring down Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in an election, the battered tribe has marked and posited the prime minister as a Satan-like demonic totem, who alone is presumably the source of all the country’s ills.

And if we only exorcise him and smash him, they swear by their presumably rational gods and spit seven times, then quiet and serenity and peace and prosperity and joy will be our lot. And therefore their finest youth are tossing everything that comes to hand (recycled bottles, German submarines, milk cartons, Australian billionaires and whatever else is available) at the image of Bibi, until the attorney general gives in and decides to open an investigation against him, and from here the road to his ouster is short, Hallelujah.

Meanwhile, these exorcism ceremonies are not succeeding, and Prime Minister Netanyahu is still standing firmly on his pedestal. But let’s assume for a moment, carried away to the hallucinatory realms of the battered and miserable “left” tribe, that you succeed and an investigation is opened against Netanyahu and he is brought down, collapses or resigns – what do you think will happen then? Who will replace him? You?! You’ve made even your own stupid totems laugh.

However, you continue to hallucinate. Last week Emilie Moatti called here on the heads of the “left” – Yair Lapid (Yesh Atid), Isaac Herzog (Zionist Union) and Zehava Galon (Meretz) to unite in order to defeat Netanyahu and bring peace, prosperity, welfare, happiness and bananas to the people of Israel. But hello, Moatti, Lapid isn’t left, he’s right, in every sense, just as right as Netanyahu, and maybe even more so.

And besides, this entire “left,” including Lapid, can together, on their best election day, bring something like 40 Knesset seats, so what will you do with that? Nothing, just what they’re doing now with the 40 seats they have together. Nor is Lapid so stupid that he’ll go with the two fragments of these shattered parties, Labor and Meretz, to a coalition that’s impossible to form.

Netanyahu won’t fall, and he will rule here as long as he wants to and is able to. And when he goes, in another five or 15 years, no “left” will replace him. Instead of Netanyahu’s one-man rule we’ll get a triumvirate then, of Miri Regev (Likud), Yair Lapid and Naftali Bennett (Habayit Hayehudi).

And a few months into their government you will be filled with longing for Netanyahu, you’ll miss him to death. You’ll sit at home in front of the television and sign and moan, “Where is that crazy man with the purple hair whose wife used to shout at the servants? Can’t we bring him back? Please, please.”

Any one of you who is now saying to himself, as a final refuge, “Yalla, yalla, it can’t be worse than Netanyahu,” here’s a small historical reminder: In 1992 Israeli helicopters killed the terrible Hezbollah secretary at the time, Abbas Musawi, along with his wife and 5-year old son. But two days later a new secretary was chosen for Hezbollah, someone whose name you might have heard: Hassan Nasrallah. So really, yalla.