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The Craziest Thing Israel's New Anticlimactic Government Is Likely to Do Is Its Job

Carolina Landsmann
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A man dressed in costume with a metal helmet and cuirass and holding an Israeli flag chants slogans behind a face mask protesting against the new Israeli government in Jerusalem, May 14, 2020.
A man dressed in costume with a metal helmet and cuirass and holding an Israeli flag chants slogans behind a face mask protesting against the new Israeli government in Jerusalem, May 14, 2020. Credit: AFP
Carolina Landsmann

Not only has “Homeland” ended, forcing us to say goodbye to Carrie Mathison, but we now have a unity government that has removed most of the players who turned our lives into an escape room. Three nerve-racking election campaigns dripping with scandals involving corruption, sex, lies, betrayal and threats, all taking place in the atmosphere of a Sicilian mafia to the soundtrack of Kahanism with a whiff of fascism, have ended with Avi Nissenkorn as justice minister and Chili Tropper as culture minister.

What on earth happened to the scriptwriters of Israel’s reality? It seems as if they went through a detox program and signed up for Pilates workouts.

Bibi swears in his colossal coalition and readies for a courtroom showdown

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One glance at “This is what our 35th government will look like” is enough to make you fall asleep. Because really, can you show me a straighter arrow than Tropper, a kidney donor? And who needs tranquilizers when Yoaz Hendel is communications minister and Amir Peretz, sans mustache, is economy minister?

Even Miri Regev has been nullified in the Transportation Ministry. What can she do to annoy us there, block the Ayalon Highway? And the hero of the last season, Amir Ohana, was thrown from the Supreme Court’s high roof into the deep pit of the Public Security Ministry.

What else do you have up your sleeve? Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu divorcing Sara and marrying Supreme Court President Esther Hayut?

And more generally, where is Netanyahu’s cynical signature on every casting decision, which made you really feel how much he enjoyed appointing the person with the greatest potential to drive the left crazy? There’s simply nothing to look forward to.

This is the anticlimax government, the bane of the satiric television show “Eretz Nehederet,” the Iranians’ revenge on political cartoonist Amos Biderman. This is what will happen to anyone who persuades the Americans to toughen their position in nuclear talks with Iran – he’ll be sentenced to draw Alon Schuster as agriculture minister. And isn’t it a pity to waste the show’s talents on sending up Health Minister Yuli Edelstein or Immigrant Absorption Minister Pnina Tamano-Shata when the craziest thing they’re likely to do is their jobs?

Alas! Where are they, the guys and gals who accompanied us through the last few years? Where’s the ice queen of religious Zionism, with the soul of a nationalist settler in the body of a perfume model, who stood outside the Supreme Court with a whip? Or our chief censor, the spokeswoman with the biggest mouth and biggest flag in the army, the designer of couture dresses, the culture minister who waged all-out war against “the ungrateful, tight-assed artists”?

What about the education minister who supported conversion therapy and the transportation minister who advocated segregation? And show me an author who would dare invent the character of a Jew of North African origin who was a gay, right-wing former Shin Bet security service official who supported the nation-state law and opposed surrogate motherhood for gays, and was a justice minister who incited rebellion against Supreme Court rulings?

Entre nous, this government was established a moment before Netanyahu actually appointed a horse as consul – not “as if” he did it, not “like” Caligula, but a genuine horse.

And what awaits us now? It’s no wonder they’re jumping all over Omer Yankelevich, who seems like a woman from a fairy-tale, a Sharon Stone from the ultra-Orthodox neighborhood of Ramat Beit Shemesh. It’s impossible to leave the entire burden on Orli Levi-Abekasis, the witch from Beit She’an, who, judging by the descriptions of her, is the only case in history of a woman tempted by a serpent.

At this rate, Netanyahu will even carry out his rotation agreement with Benny Gantz. Yes, even our very own Hannibal Lecter, who has devoured our brains for almost three decades, winner of the Nobel Prize in speculation, with an IQ of 180, will move on with his life – to prison or the presidency, what’s the difference? And all that will be left for us to do is cringe from the memories or savor them.