Opinion

Recep, Baby, Don’t Be a Tough Guy, OK?

U.S. President Donald Trump, left, talks to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, right, as they tour the new NATO headquarters in Brussels, Belgium, Wednesday, July 11, 2018
,AP

The letter that Donald Trump sent to Recep Tayyip Erdogan underwent biased editing by elements of the Deep State within the State Department before it was sent. Below is the original letter in its entirety:

Recep, baby, don’t be a tough guy, OK? Why would I destroy your economy and also grab your wife by the pussy? I’ve already proved that I’m capable of doing it. So don’t try me. Apart from that, I just love the Kurds. Very fine people. The women are super-hot and the men are excellent fighters, real men every single one. Every single one. I even told Ivanka, get rid of that Jared pussy Jewboy of yours. Get a Kurdish guy, a Barzani, anyone can see you’re in need of a good screwing. I can always tell when she needs some dick, Recep, after all she’s my daughter.

Let’s make a deal, whaddaya say? Listen, I have a genius idea: to build a Moat alongside the wall I’m building at the Mexican border and fill it with alligators and snakes. It came to me in a dream, most of which was this bizarre lesbian scene between Angela Merkel and Melania. Say some Mexican Mama tries to sneak into America with her children and somehow manages to climb over the wall, right away they’ll fall into the Moat and the alligators will eat them. Alligators are nasty animals, very very nasty. Like Hillary.

The fake scientists who are always trying to sell the hoax of climate change can’t even count how many teeth an alligator has – it’s a whole lot, OK? I don’t know who has more teeth, sharks or alligators. I think about it a lot. I asked Bolton to find out for me back when he still worked for me and he said it wasn’t his job, so I told him he doesn’t have a job anymore. Do I have to find out everything for myself? Being a World Leader is very very hard. I know you get this, Recep.

Anyway, I said to myself, let’s say a fast runt of a Mexican kid somehow escapes from the alligators, OK? What happens then? An anaconda will come and choke him. I have a very high level of intelligence. So here’s the deal I’m offering you: I’ll build a Moat on your border with Syria! And then the liberals from the Deep State here in Washington who won’t let me build the Moat because they say there’s no money for it will see how Beautifully it works for you and they’ll regret it.

Whaddaya say? I’d just love Neighbors like those Kurds, believe you me. Those Mexicans, where were they when we were fighting ISIS, huh? They were busy raping white American women while their grandfathers were dying at Normandy. Now that’s what I call Historical Irony! Why are you crying about the Kurds? So they want a state, big deal. The Mexicans already have a state, but that’s not enough for them. They want America, too. By the way, I just love what you did with your Deep State.

I sent you the two Self-Righteous Mikes, Pence and Pompeo. Let’s just say I’d be happy to see on your Fox News that they died in a terrible accident. Can you do that Favor for me? And tell me, is Turkish a real language? When I see you making a speech in your Parliament, it sounds like bullshit to me. Why don’t you speak English? I’ll try to set you and Vladimir and Rohani and Kim with a Speed Learning Course. For Fuck’s Sake, it’s so hard to communicate like that.