President Trump Is Going to Build a Casino in Gaza - and It Will Be Fabulous

Imagining a Trumpian solution to Israeli-Palestinian escalation: 'They need to start throwing dice instead of knives.'

Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks flanked by Trump branded steaks, water and wine during a news conference held at his Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, Florida, March 8, 2016.
Reuters

(February 1, 2017: Fresh off his inauguration, President Donald J. Trump addresses journalists in the White House following the latest outbreak of Israeli-Palestinian violence)

Thank you, thank you. This is so nice. What a turnout! You know, I was speaking to my veep, Chris Christie – great guy, am I right? – and he told me that out of all former presidents, my speeches get the biggest press turnout. So that’s great. And let me tell you something, I am having the time of my life. I’ve been terribly successful – I’m very rich, I don’t know if you know this – but there is nothing so exciting as this stuff, let me tell you that.

Anyway, I am here to talk about Israel and Palestine. And let me tell you something, folks, sheesh. I mean, they’re stabbing each other over there with knives and screwdrivers, and shooting, I mean, what is that? Oh my god, that is terrible. I spoke with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu earlier today – I know Bibi for many years, by the way, he’s a great guy, though he did not support me during the campaign which I think was very stupid of him – and he told me: ‘Donald, you are truly the best U.S. president I’ve ever worked with, and also the most pro-Israel.’ So there you go. Best. U.S. President. And that’s Netanyahu, OK? He’s really a smart cookie. And he says I am the most pro-Israel.

But during my campaign – What a campaign, right? – Anyway, in my campaign I promised to be neutral when it came to Israel and Palestine. And so although I am very pro-Israel, I have to be neutral in order to negotiate peace. And you know, when it comes to negotiations, there is no one better than me, right? I am going to be so much better at this stuff than Bill Clinton, let me tell you that. I did write The Art of the Deal, after all, the best-selling business book of all time. Second only to Come on, you know this one – the Bible! The Bible! And you know where they love the Bible? Israel.

Israel is in trouble, folks. It is not winning anymore. It is not winning militarily, it is not winning economically, it’s horrible. I don’t understand it, there are so many negotiators in that country, something like, what, 8 million? More than any other country. And somehow, they can’t negotiate this deal with the Palestinians. So much violence, so much death. Oh my god, it’s so terrible. I don’t get that. Well, I guess they needed my help. Even though let’s face it, it’s not rocket science. I mean, they’re over there, stabbing each other, just like aaarghhhhhhhh and ahhhhhhhhhh, when the solution is so obvious.

A wall – with a door

Israel needs to build a wall. And we’re going to help it build a wall. It’s going to be a big wall, just beautiful. I know Bibi is already 100% behind this, and I know Bougie Herzog – great guy, by the way, even though some say he is a bit of a wimp – is also supportive. And who’s better at building walls than me, right?

But we’re not going to stop there. This is the toughest deal to make in the world, and the American people elected me to make it – by the way, how unbelievable was that? – and walls are just not going to cut it. We need big, bold ideas, and I have the best ideas, as you already know.

This wall that we are going to build, it’s going to have a door. And that door is going to lead the brand new, luxurious, state of art, Gaza Strip Hotels & Casinos Complex.

Yes, yes, we’re going to build a casino in Gaza. And not just one casino, we’re going to build a whole lot of casinos over there. And hotels and resorts, and maybe a few golf courses too, though there’s not much grass there, but we can buy grass. Trust me, I know where to get the best-looking artificial grass. In the West Bank too, though I’m not sure what’s the difference, but I’m told there is.

Let me tell you, folks, I have been to many parts of the world – I’m really the best traveler, just ask Melania – and in order to solve this conflict Israel and the Palestinians need to bring in a little Las Vegas, a little glamour. They need to start throwing dice instead of knives. Let me tell you something, no one ever died throwing a roulette ball around.

So this is my plan for how we are going to help Israel solve this mess: build a wall, and then build a casino/resort complex on the other side. Just make the so-called ‘occupied territories’ one giant, fabulous Strip. Trust me, by the time we’re done, Gaza is going to look like the Mar-a-Lago. I may even move there myself.

I know, the mainstream media, all you scum, are going to be saying ‘oh, Trump is ridiculous, the conflict is about territories and human rights and religion, and hostilities have been going on for over a century, it’s too complicated to be solved by a casino’. But guess what, you’re wrong, alright? My plan is going to create jobs, it will boost both economies, and who’s going to do it better than me? Let me tell you something, I built many, many hotels in my lifetime – I’ve been terribly, just tremendously successful. And we’re going to make Israel great again, one throw of the dice at a time.

I intend to pitch this idea to PM Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas – good guy, I think, though some say he’s untrustworthy, I don’t know, I’m just repeating what they said – during a peace summit in Las Vegas next month. And I expect to sign this deal very quickly, even if I have to lock them in a Trump hotel room and make them re-read The Art of the Deal to get there. In the end, you’ll see, we will all shake hands on the Trump House lawn within six months.

By the way, have you seen my hands today? Aren’t these just the most beautiful, most powerful hands?