Israel's Desperate Diaspora Rescue Mission

The Diaspora Affairs Ministry’s bid to collect information on all Jewish college students in the United States was a form of outreach worthy of a cellphone company

Graduates at Syracuse University's commencement ceremony, Syracuse, New York, May 16, 2010.
Michael Okoniewski / Bloomberg

They don’t sleep well at night in the Diaspora Affairs Ministry. Hours after the last fluorescent lights are turned off, minister Naftali Bennett and his staff lie down to sleep. And they worry.

What will be with the young Jews in the United States, members of a generation that knew not Moshe Dayan, Meir Har-Zion or the Entebbe rescue operation? The members of this generation, they fear, in addition to their tendency to marry non-Jews, might very well go bad – especially while at college.

Unlike Israeli young people who start their higher education when they’re older – after their brains have been flattened by the army steamroller into a layer averse to facts – the brains of American college students are still tender and their opinions can be shaped.

If pariah movements such as BDS are flourishing on campus, then they must be presented with a proper Zionist response. Enough with the soft touch of the leftist J Street, move aside you wimps from AIPAC – the Israeli Diaspora Affairs Ministry will show you how it’s done.

All you need is to set up a company that will collect information on all 350,000 Jewish college students in the United States: names, addresses, email addresses, telephone numbers, Facebook and Instagram profiles, even Tinder. (Who knows, maybe matches can be made.)

If you’re Jewish and at university, Israel will find you. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to run away and where you hide, we’ll find you and make you into human beings ... excuse me, Jews. If until now you thought your Judaism was just something that gave you a pang in your heart or was an excuse to skip class on Holocaust Remembrance Day, you’re mistaken.

To know you’re losing out, the company will send to your email or phone every day “all the Jewish/Israel events taking place on campuses, along with a daily structural mapping of Jewish/Israeli online content from around the web.”

Don’t be deceived. When we say the content will be “related to Judaism or Israel,” we mean to Orthodox Judaism and the “Greater Land of Israel.” Forget about women being called up to the Torah or criticism of the settlements. You’ll receive everything from Channel 20 to Israel Hayom, and in the middle a few orgasmic reports from a Yedioth Ahronoth reporter embedded in another secret training exercise of a combat unit.

Now, before Israel turns 70 and when it’s at the peak of its power and wealth, the Jewish state has become a cellular provider. It will collect your personal details, blast you with marketing messages, make promises it can’t keep and smear the competition.

Over 6 million Jews live in America; why shouldn’t they come to Israel “to build and be built,” as the old saying goes, or at least buy an apartment by the sea? Maybe Jews who really want to help Israel are trapped in the wilds of New Hampshire or the tundra of Columbia University. This is why we have the Diaspora Affairs Ministry and the company it set up: Mosaic United. This isn’t just a mission, it’s a rescue mission: “A hand unto our brethren.”

As of the other day, the idea of mapping and locating Jews terrified the largest organization of Jewish students in the world, Hillel International. Hillel flexed its muscles a bit and Mosaic United announced that the initiative was being suspended for changes and rephrasing – until the next time.

Maybe the salvation will come from an unexpected direction. After all, plenty of Donald Trump’s supporters think that the Jews control Washington, the banks, the media and Hollywood, and that we’re each a small cog in the big Jewish machine. It’s good to know that the Diaspora Affairs Ministry is working day and night to convince them they’re right.