I still find it quaintly beguiling to be indignant at something said by a 21st century politician.
It was late in the month of June when it was announced that Rodrigo Duterte, King of the Filipinos, would be coming to visit the holy land of Israel, AKA the nation-state of the Jewish people™. Contrary to the undulating wet blankets populating our God-given country, I myself was jubilant.
Finally, Israel would see, even if only briefly, a head of state stalwart enough to look citizens in the eye and then put a bullet through that eye. A true leader, unafraid.
Sadly, it did not take long for all the little high-brow loony liberals to come waddling out of their hybrid hovercrafts, eager to point their fingers at some perceived microaggression and cry foul.
"He compared himself to Hitler!" they mewled, likely unaware of the far more arresting yarns found in Rodrigo’s past.
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I often enjoy reclining in my sofa in my snorkel mask, recalling the one from Rodrigo’s time in college. As the story goes, he shot a man in the buttocks in order to "teach him a lesson." The man had accidently shoved young Rodrigo in the school hallway while roughhousing with his mates, despite the future president’s warning that, "If I get hit I will shoot you."
To Rodrigo’s credit, there is only so much a man can do before opening fire on his transgressors. The same goes for comparing oneself to Hitler. It’s going to happen eventually, whether you like it or not. I have said this before to many a "progressive," but still their outrage persisted.
"How about this then," I was tasked by one particular Leftie Lucy, vibrating visibly, as they do. "He called his own daughter a ‘drama queen’ after she had publicly admitted a man once raped her." The first thing this gyrating socialist forgot to mention was the second half of Duterte’s comment, which was that his daughter couldn’t possibly have been assaulted, since "she carries a gun." This is both true and refreshing.
Duterte is a maverick. He is the naked, tar-smeared, impetuous human id President Donald Trump wishes he could be. But unlike Supreme Leather Trump, Rodrigo forms sentences. He wields his words with the alarming dexterity of a haphazard pistoleer, expertly if randomly popping off little metallic bullets of insight. When have you ever seen a man so adept at saying precisely how he feels while using so very few words or thoughts?
Utterances such as: "If there are many beautiful women, there will be many rape cases as well," are not simply truthful arrows of free speech that cannot be logically argued with. They also possess the lean determination of a powerfully vague proverb, which makes them very effective for quoting on apps such as Twitter, Instagram, TwaddleChat and NeckSnap. This will serve Rodrigo in the future, when he tires of toying with Israeli firearms.
Yet, still, they bleat. They say Rodrigo must not be allowed to inaugurate a Holocaust memorial. And I ask, Why?
And they say “He’s responsible for the deaths of at least 12,000 people.” And I ask, who isn’t?
"Most people," they would argue, to which I’d reply, "I am a lovely purple sweet potato, full of vigor," and walk away, knowing in my heart I had won the debate.
The world craves, and deserves, a leader who speaks in short, stupid sentences. Someone who uses truth to protect the people from facts. A man who can make them feel truly lulled.
Don’t forget Israel needs confident friends.
Trump is too erratic, Canada is fretfully flaccid. We are also finished with Europe. Macron is too weak. He has the waist of a grandfather clock and the wrists of a French banker. Merkel is encumbered by her ever-present uterus. Putin’s eyes are under constant threat of being engulfed by his progressingly puffing face. Theresa May is about to fall off her Brexit broom.
Who will we turn to? The visibly melting Jeremy Corbyn? Nobody knows who leads Spain and Portugal anymore! I suspect they are run by very optimistic gnomes. South America refuses to move its embassy to Jerusalem.
We need steadfast, confident friends. Those who don’t flinch at something ludicrous like international law. Men who appear to be visibly happy sitting in and playing with their own faeces, as they giggle and toot a little horn with the engraving of the word "Me" on it. We should honor them when we see them.
So, of course, Duterte should inaugurate a Holocaust memorial and visit Yad Vashem. A man who brings such dignity and economic prosperity to our country should be allowed to arrive at those ceremonies riding bareback on a white elephant, holding a machine gun in each hand as he rattles off into the sky, manfully crooning a rape joke. Alas, we are not there yet.
I have one thing in common with the hordes of inclusive, gender-undefined libernannies displeased by Duterte’s presence here. I also think Rodrigo probably shouldn’t have come here. We don’t deserve a friend like him yet. We haven’t earned it. Perhaps, one day, we might.
Daniel Gouri de Lima is a news editor at Haaretz and a comedian. Twitter: @GouriLima