Confessions of an Israeli Traitor

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Scene of the crime: I repeatedly betrayed Benjamin Netanyahu in the voter booth. Credit: Ezra Levi

Dear Israelis,

I hereby admit that I am guilty of an attempted putsch against our beloved and admired Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. In 1996 I voted for the traitor Shimon Peres, who planned to divide Jerusalem, the eternal capital of Israel. I did so using devious means and trickery. Instead of openly declaring that I was voting for Peres the traitor, I chose to hide in the voting booth like a cowardly rat. I cynically and wickedly took advantage of the trust placed in me by the state when it granted me the right to vote, and instead of justifying that trust and expressing my gratitude to the sun of the Mediterranean Sea, I conspired to bring him down by voting for Peres the traitor.

Fortunately, and with God’s help, the insane plan I concocted in my evil brain failed, and Netanyahu was chosen to lead us, and he immediately demonstrated courage, determination, initiative and vision in eliminating the rampant terror and in rebuilding the economy. Despite this, I did not learn my lesson. In 1999 I was given another chance to repent and change my ways, but because I am incorrigible I once again disgraced the democratic right granted to me as a Jew in the Land of Israel and voted for Ehud Barak the sociopath, who at the 2000 Camp David summit attempted to sell to Yasser Arafat everything for which Yoni Netanyahu, the brother of the rock of our existence, sacrificed his life. Praise the Lord, God did harden the heart of Arafat, whereas Barak did understand the error of his ways and he resolved to dedicate the remainder of his days in service of Papa Bibi, the father of us all.

In 2006 I voted for Ehud Olmert the corrupt. I was astray, and in retrospect I am disgusted by my behavior then. In 2009 as well I continued to debase the electoral process and did not support Papa, the Liberty Bell of the Philadelphi Route. In my folly I rejoiced in the success of my childish and irresponsible treachery in the darkness of the voting booth and believed that the state was unaware of my sick deeds. Luckily, it did know of my actions. In the course of Netanyahu’s great term in office, from 2009 to 2013, I went abroad a number of times, on false pretenses of vacation and work, and I exploited my sojourns there for forbidden contact with foreign elements. I encouraged dangerous dissidents in Berlin and visited a church in Barcelona, using the pitiful excuse of an interest in architecture.

In 2013 my moral atrophy reached its sickening peak. Not only had I demonstrated astonishing ingratitude toward our excellent leader, failing once more to give him my worthless, useless vote, but I also gave public expression to tasteless jokes about his wife, Sara our matriarch, in which I maligned her character and doubted her stellar qualities. In so doing I made common cause, in my infinite pettiness, with cancerous cells in our society whose despicable purpose is to weaken the Jewish nation and he who stands at its head, the jewel of creation, Bibi of the purple hair and the iron-domed heart, the Caesar of Caesarea, our protective edge, our pillar of defense, the Sultan of Hamastan, the tycoon of tycoons, the Titan of pistachio ice cream, Barack Obama’s Danny Danon, the cooling-off period of Ban Ki-Moon, the Holot detention facility of us all.

I recognize now the terrible measure of my mistakes. While our generous king was battling enemies from without, I myself was an enemy from within. While he was acting on behalf of the public, I myself was the enemy of the public. In my great shame, I begged him to let me kill myself. To my joy, he insisted on allowing me to apologize to all of you. On The 17th of March, do not carry out a putsch: Vote for he who is out of touch.

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