Seven hundred “former Israelis” sat in the Hilton Hotel in Washington and discussed Israel’s future — how they hoped to see it through a telescope. They turned up at the invitation of Sheldon Adelson and Haim Saban, the two billionaires who finance the revived organization the Israeli American Council.
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The Netanyahu government spread its wings of patronage over the “inaugural national conference,” and Interior Minister Gilad Erdan and UN ambassador Ron Prosor gave it an official stamp of approval by showing up. With this festive opportunity they summed up with satisfaction the Democratic defeat in the midterm elections and vilified the name and memory of U.S. President Barack Obama.
They no longer live here, these 700 former Israelis. Most, if not all, left the country permanently, found refuge in a safer place than Jerusalem and are worrying about us from afar. At the moment, the organization’s founders — and their sponsors too — are being hosted here by us; Israel is a welcoming place for very rich tourists, who after every visit leave behind a train of coins.
These fat-catyordim always receive preferential treatment compared to the Milky yordim. It’s as if the words were taken from the mouth of Yair Lapid, our finance minister who frothed about Israelis living in Berlin. All that contempt for those wolfing down pudding in Germany and not a word about those licking their plates clean in America, not to mention the rich and powerful. Hey, Yair the hypocrite, where has your patriotism disappeared to, as if somebody shaved your new beard?
At the conference, Saban presented a Hollywood scenario for a horror movie. “I would bomb the living daylights out of those sons of bitches,” he said, referring to the expected agreement between Iran and the world powers. He heroically dropped a bomb but didn’t reveal where he’d take shelter when the shrapnel flew. But we here in Israel are a bit afraid, actually; we have children and grandchildren here.
In any case, Adelson stole the show. As in a typical Las Vegas spectacle, he pulled God out of a slot machine and lowered him from the ceiling. “I don’t think the Bible says anything about democracy. I think God didn’t say anything about democracy,” Adelson said.
“God talked about all the good things in life. He didn’t talk about Israel remaining as a democratic state, otherwise Israel isn’t going to be a democratic state — so what?” said the theosophist whose foolishness knows no bounds. It would be interesting to see what’s written in the New Testament about an American-style presidential system of government compared to the Kingdom of Heaven.
Lord Sheldon knows what he’s talking about because he has a basis for comparison. He has casinos in Macau too, and there’s no comparison among the statistics of pleasure: The roulette wheels in China are oiled very well; the chips roll both on top of and under the table. And who’s to say which business is more corrupting and more dangerous, gambling or drugs.
The master gambler doesn’t understand that if Israel isn’t democratic, it won’t exist; get your suitcases ready. Many of its citizens will be forced to join the Israeli American Council; its conferences will be attended by the masses.
Even King Bibi will come, and the participants from coast to coast will report how he carried out his master’s commands and immediately passed the Jewish nation-state bill, which raises up the “Jewish,” lowers the “democratic” and cancels the “equality.”
And that’s just the beginning, he promises on our way to a kingdom of priests and holiness. Teddy, my childhood friend, founded the Jewish state in Basel, while Sheldon, my benefactor of later years, founded the Jewish state in Washington. Come and visit, you won’t recognize our new Israel; enjoy and be proud. And the hall flooded with cheers.
So fishermen love fish, right? And newspaper owners love newspapers, right? Well, I hate the press, Adelson confessed, and shared his disgust for The New York Times with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Most newspapers are used the next day to wrap fish, but at Israel Hayom they caress slimy swamp critters on a daily basis, as if they were pet fish.