A Modest Proposal Regarding Young People

B. Michael
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Illustrative photo of two elderly Israelis.
B. Michael

I have been following with deep interest, and even some sympathy, the learned and serious discussion in the media about the urgent need to eliminate old people.

The idea of thinning out the population is both very ancient and very logical. After all, population maintenance is often too expensive or too complicated, and the only option is to burn away the dross. Israel, so they say, is already quite close to this point. Very soon it will be forced to decide, with a heavy heart, who shall reach the end of his days and who shall not.

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The banal, conventional thought, the cliché, bends of course toward the implementation of geronticide, or senicide, the scientific terms for the destruction of the elderly. Ostensibly, that’s the solution. After all, the old are a burden, their future is behind them, their upkeep is expensive, their contribution meager, they don’t see well and they pee all the time. It would be nice to be rid of them.

But there’s a solution that’s more original, and to my mind much better. It does not, perish the thought, depart from the basic and welcome principles of culling for the purposes of betterment and thrift. There’s just one little change, almost technical, in the implementation protocol: Instead of killing the old, it’s the young who are killed.

The benefits of young people (ill, infected, quarantined or whatever) biting the dust far outweigh those of liquidating old people. A very partial list:

1. Young people are much more numerous, and in any event they consume much more resources, including food, gasoline, services and hospitalization days. Getting rid of them will do much more to reduce government spending.

2. Young people, due to their underdeveloped brains, are responsible for most of the foolish acts in the world. There are very few old folks who bungee-jump, make TikTok videos, volunteer for special forces, enjoy kneecapping or become addicted to the holy bullshit of charismatic rabbis or New Age gurus.

3. The crime rate would go down. It’s a proven fact that most of the purse snatchers who prey on the elderly are young. In contrast, very few old people steal bags and wallets from young people. Old people also have a hard time riding a motorcycle to carry out contract killings, and for lack of “soldiers” nearly all of the criminal organizations will shut down. The heads of the organization, most of whom are themselves old, will be forced to move to retirement communities.

4. The lack of candidates for the draft will lead to a decline in unnecessary wars, and any wars that are waged will be more leisurely affairs. The so-called hilltop youth will disappear, in favor of long-in-the-tooth park-bench sitters.

5. Children up to age 14 (who are generally not affected by the new coronavirus) will be raised by their grandparents. They are assured of a much better education than their idiot parents, who started breeding when they were 19, would have given them.

6. Young people buy 98.47 percent of all stupid, unnecessary gadgets. When they’re gone, they will condemn the manufacturers of all this garbage to bankruptcy, a blessed state of affairs. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp and their ilk will finally go into receivership.

7. Young people are involved in traffic accidents at a much higher rate than any other segment of the population. Thinning their ranks will inevitable reduce accident rates.

8. Most importantly, the quantity of decibels in the universe will decline by at least 75 percent. That alone is worth the entire program.

One could of course add an almost infinite number of arguments. Older readers are invited to do so on their own.

Only one group should be excepted from the new arrangement, one that is toxic and malignant whatever their age group. COVID-19 should be permitted to do its worst among them, without interference. I shall not be more specific. The Shin Bet security service knows where I am.

Just once small clarification: The above does not apply in any way to my one son, my only son, whom I love (and continue to love).

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