A Comprehensive List of Israelis I Will No Longer Speak to After the April 9 Election

One minute after the polls close on April 9 at 10 P.M. Israel time, I intend to permanently sever my ties with masses of friends, acquaintances and, if god forbid the need arises, close relatives and first-degree family members as well. In order to streamline and accelerate my disconnection from those I plan to boycott, I have comprised a list that defines the classes of people I will no longer be talking to. If any of my acquaintances find themselves on this list, I would appreciate it if they seize the initiative and voluntarily cut their ties with me, thus saving me the trouble of investigating and exposing them myself.

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This is the list:

1. Blowhards who will claim they were “too busy” to vote.

2. Snobs who will say they didn’t vote because “I didn’t like any of the candidates” or “their programs didn’t appeal to me” or “in the end, they’re all corrupt.”

3. Deadbeats who opt to stay home “because my vote won’t change anything anyway”.

4. Pseudo-intellectuals who claim that not voting is just as much a political statement as voting.

5. Idiots who vote for parties that have no chance of passing the threshold of 3.25% just because they most accurately reflect their views.

6. Crybabies who cite adverse weather as the reason they stayed home and didn’t vote, unless said weather is a confirmed blizzard, hurricane, tornado or tsunami. Also, weather forecasters on television who will say that harsh weather could keep voters at home.

7. Hypochondriacs, in particular, and men, in general, who cite illness as their reason for not voting, unless they produce official medical affidavits documenting heart attack, brain seizure, fever of over 104 degrees Fahrenheit, vegetative coma or actual death.

8. Jet setters and business travelers who will be abroad on April 9, and thus legally barred from voting, provided they bought their tickets after early elections were called. Exemptions will be given to those who have already paid for their travels, but only if their cancellation mandates a heavy penalty fee and they happen to be on the verge of bankruptcy.

9. Cheapskates living abroad who can afford to pay for travel to Israel in order to vote on election day but prefer to spend their money on trifles such as food, clothing, housing or their children’s education.

10. Loafers who were told by others of plans to refrain from voting and shrugged. Harsher penalties will be imposed on those describing the reasons given by the non-voter as legitimate or valid.

11. Parents and other first-degree relatives of non-voters, including minors over the age of 14, who know of family members who planned to abstain from voting but do nothing about it. Included are relatives who made a passing remark about the importance of voting but stopped short of threatening said non-voters with financial sanctions, public humiliation and permanent excommunication.

12. Lazybones with frail and disabled parents and grandparents who failed to make appropriate transportation arrangements for them to reach the polls. Included in this category are purists who opine that people with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia shouldn’t be allowed to vote instead of going into the polling both with them, as the law allows, and choosing the appropriate party to vote for.

13. Loafers who declare in advance and in the company of others that instead of voting they plan to go the beach or the movies on election day, regardless of whether they end up voting or not.

14. News reporters who interview people included in the previous clause and choose to air those interviews before Election Day, citing the public’s right to know or similar nonsense. Interviews that take place on the beach itself and make it seem like an attractive alternative will be regarded as prima facie grounds for total estrangement.

15. Finally, those who failed to take appropriate measures when told of total strangers who do not intend to vote. Such measures include direct confrontation, seeking out passers-by who could help and offering monetary compensation in exchange for voting (which is technically illegal but morally just). If said non-voters happen to be strong and aggressive and if approaching them constitutes a clear and present danger, total boycott will be replaced by an extended period of simple unpleasantness.

It is important to note that the above list includes people of all ages, races, religions, genders and sexual orientations. One should also note that while the formal definition of those slated to be shunned forever does not differentiate between right wing and left wing non-voters, it will be applied in practice only to those who would have voted against Benjamin Netanyahu.

Potential Netanyahu voters who indicate that they haven’t decided whether to vote or not should be told there’s no point, their vote won’t make any difference, the candidates are all the same, they look very ill and should rest and no one in his right mind would venture outside in such weather, including light drizzles that will make them catch pneumonia and bright sunshine that will make them go blind.