You're Welcome: Depressing (But Reliable) Predictions for 5775

How predictable is life in Israel? So predictable that we've already captured some of the leading stories from the next 12 months.

Adrian Hennigan
Adrian Hennigan
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Kislev's prediction: Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu upset that the movie “12 Years a Slave” was not about his domestic staff.
Kislev's prediction: Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu upset that the movie “12 Years a Slave” was not about his domestic staff.Credit: GPO
Adrian Hennigan
Adrian Hennigan

With Rosh Hashanah begins Tishri

Iran points the finger at Israel after a series of photos are leaked online, showing its leaders in compromising positions with enriched uranium rods. “The fingerprints of the ‘Little Satan’ are all over this,” complains President Hassan Rohani. “For starters, I was digitally unenhanced ... and can you please tell my wife that I have never met this ‘Jennifer Lawrence’ woman.”

A mole within Israel's elite intel unit says the government is using a computer program to find new ways in which to infuriate the rest of the world. The program devises an outrageously stupid idea, the best day on which to release it for maximum annoyance, and then sends it straight to Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman. The source also claims that someone successfully reversed the algorithm and slipped a copy to MK Haneen Zoabi.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry is forced to dispel rumors of more bad blood between himself and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after being heard muttering into a live mike, “A surgeon trying to find Bibi’s brain – now that would be a helluva pinpoint operation.”

Netanyahu is in trouble himself, however, after being overheard telling wife Sara that he was really disappointed by the movie “12 Years a Slave,” after expecting it to be about his domestic staff.

The Tel Aviv municipality has turned up the volume on the city’s air-raid sirens. This follows complaints in the summer that sirens couldn’t be heard above the sound of liberal hand-wringing and thousands of voices saying, “They don't get a warning in Khan Yunis.”

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has rejects accusations that he’s trying to cozy up to U.S.-Israeli lobby groups. “Oy gevalt! You Democrat momzers need to stop your kvetching! Can’t you let a guy finish his vodka and tehina cocktail in peace?” he said at the end of his Birthright-Taglit tour.

The Israel Defense Forces says that, from now on, all IDF operations will be named after Pink Floyd songs. The decision is seen as a bid to reflect Israelis’ musical tastes and, primarily, a really great way of sticking it to Roger Waters. Asked if it might consider using some of Waters’ own solo works, the IDF spokesman demurred, saying people needed to be familiar with the songs. Operation Comfortably Numb is set to begin in Gaza in the summer of 2015.

Hamas claims that military commander Mohammed Deif is not dead but merely taking a sabbatical year. “Overseeing the digging of tunnels is backbreaking work,” says a Hamas source, speaking on condition that he be known only as “man with beard.” (There are also fears that the organization is digging more tunnels, after Gazans complain of finding lots of bags of soil in their closets.) The man with the beard also warns Tel Avivans that, next time, Hamas will “bomb the city back to the 1990s.”

Israeli use of surveillance drones has been called into question after a Skylark crash-lands into Bar Refaeli’s swimming pool.

Israeli soccer coach Eli Guttman defends his decision to play five right wingers in the recent match against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “Look, a lot of them start on the left but in next to no time they've lurched to the other side,” he says. “Still, the great thing is they’re impossible to defend.”

The BDS Movement claims it is completely justified in calling for a boycott of playwright Israel Horovitz, the works of deceased British musician Max Jaffa, the Hula-Hoop and actor Sharon Stone. “The joke’s on them,” the “Basic Instinct” star responds. “People have been boycotting my work for decades.”

Interior Minister Gilad Erdan rejects accusations that Israel is an apartheid state. “The simple fact is that in Israel we treat everyone as green,” he says. “Now, I want all dark greens to go to the back of the hall, all light greens to the front!”

And finally, where they are now ... Disgraced former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has lashed out at critics who say he once talked to representatives of Hamas because “he always knew their tunnel-digging skills would come in handy one day.” The rumors started after a large poster of Rita Hayworth was found on his prison cell wall.

Former President Shimon Peres, meanwhile, says he has lots of ambitions still to fulfill. For starters, hearing what people will sing to him on his 120th birthday.

Iyar's prediction: Israeli drones to spy on model Bar Refaeli's swimming pool. Credit: AP
Until 120! Shimon Peres with Barbara Streisand after she sang two songs during his 90th birthday gala in Jerusalem, June 18, 2013. Credit: Kobi Gideon / GPO

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