On Bean Spilling and Bean Counting

Hey, Mister Policeman, do you hear me? Yesterday, on the train, someone sitting next to me, who looked like he was from a minority group, revealed the questions on the mathematics matriculation exam over his cell phone.

I heard him shout: "Itzik, you are a zero squared!" There was a brief silence and then he continued: "Yallah, Itzik, do me a favor and split the sum into equal payments." After that an argument erupted about when the train departing from the Lod station meets the one leaving Tel Aviv, and about how many 25-centimeter floor tiles are needed for an 8x6-meter living room. It was he - I'm sure of it: He's the one who stole the math exam! You could see it on his face.

I should have called the police then and there, but I was scared. Mister Policeman, I can give you a precise description of him. He had a kind of rheumy voice, like someone whose sinuses are blocked. After he hung up, he muttered: "B squared, that dirty function, B-squared Itzik." And when he noticed I was listening he grinned in embarrassment and said: "Sorry."

And that wasn't the first time. They are multiplying like bacteria, the decimal scum. Isn't that so, Mister Policeman? First Anat Kamm goes and steals the secret problems on the civics exam from the army's computer. And, without one iota of shame, the most secret question of all, about Supreme Court decisions in the State of Israel and where the army is shoving them - that's what she's revealing!

And the biology matriculation test, what a scandal! Someone prematurely revealed the results of the experiment they did on that anaerobe, nu, that Arab, Mabhouh in Dubai. I'm telling you, we can't just let them get away with this. People go to great pains, travel in utter secrecy to an enemy country, put on wigs, walk on tiptoe and slip into some anaerobe's hotel room without making a sound. And the whole experiment succeeds! It's goodbye to him, but then those other anaerobes have to spoil everything: They couldn't wait until the end of the exam and rushed right out to spill the beans.

Back when I was in school, we were scared stiff of the teachers. We had to memorize whole chapters of the Bible, poems by Bialik. "On the Slaughter" - didn't you learn that one by heart too, Mister Policeman? So how come today everyone has forgotten that even the devil hasn't invented a way to avenge the spilled blood of a small child? And that scum Goldstone also had to go and leak the question on the exam and everyone started shouting in a chorus that the whole test was too difficult. I mean it's absolutely absurd. I just don't get it, I swear on the Torah. What's so hard to understand in that poem?

Oh, and Mister Policeman, I've also discovered who leaked the Bible exam. Have you ever heard of Jeremiah? Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Obadiah? Lemme tell you something: That's where it all started. They called themselves prophets, but take it from me: They were the first leakers. They discovered the secret programs on the computer on the desk of - nu, whatsisname - that guy who created the world in seven days, and told the people of Israel about them prematurely. That the Temple would be destroyed, and that because of the corruption and the sinning, the Babylonians would exile everyone from the country.

It was lucky that he - nu, whatsisname, the one they stole the tests from - did some fancy trigonometry, so people wouldn't listen to the prophets and when the time came for the exam they all failed.

Just a minute, let me finish. I saw the education minister on television, looked him straight in the eye and said to him: I swear to God, Mister Education Minister, maybe you're trying to be all official and serious, and keep saying, "The matter is under investigation," but I know you know the answers!

You know from personal experience, I continued, that when you raise zero to the power of two it is still zero. And you know what happens when you divide or multiply a number by zero and about the infinity of zeros we are liable to get around here, and who will be scurrying around and spoiling the demographic balance and bringing down our high Jewish IQ.

Those foreign zeroes have to be deported! And with them the ones, the twos, the threes and the fours. From five on, we keep them here. Not 4.9, only five! And all the rest of them can be cosined to a helix, them and their matrix, too.