Dear 18 Families: Israel Is Ours


ATT: The 18 Families. From: Strategic adviser ____.

Dear Wealthy Families,

Ahead of the coming elections, I thought it appropriate to report to you on the latest political updates in your home country, you know the one, Israel.

As you know, for the last 15 years my colleagues and I have been laboring faithfully and devotedly to assure your conquest over the democratic systems of said country.

Over the years, we reached outstanding achievements. We have managed to create a society devoid of opposition for you, one without any parties worthy of note, without labor unions worth the name, without sniping journalists. We thus achieved almost perfect control over the Israeli consciousness, and over the government and political establishment.

We can state, with great satisfaction, that there is no political power in Israel today that can stop us; there is no public debate that could restrain us; and there no investigative journalism that can imperil us. Thanks to methodical, professional work over a decade, we have achieved absolute hegemony for you. A hegemony that wealth never had in any western country worthy of the name. A hegemony that even the steamroller of Mapai back in the 1950s could not boast. A hegemony that has essentially changed Israel from a democracy into an oligarchy. Your oligarchy, dear Families. An oligarchy that allows 18 oligarchs to rule our country without constraints.

Not One of Us

This is the context in which the main importance of the 2006 elections should be viewed. Three undeserving candidates contended; one with no record and two with bad records. Two are extremists and one had no views. One lacks confidence, the second has too much and the third is easy to sway. Yet from the perspective of the Oligarchs Project that my colleagues and I are handling for you, the situation was clear: Olmert and Kadima were the great hope while Peretz and Netanyahu posed real danger.

The danger Peretz posed does not require elaboration: the man is strange. He does not worship money and does not grovel before wealth. He behaves as though he does not recognize the superiority of capital. His anachronistic ideas about justice and equality are a clear threat to the new order we worked so hard to establish for you.

But Netanyahu also turned out to be a flake. Granted, he doubled or even tripled the number of wealthy families in recent years, but apparently his moves were based on a pathetic world view, that the principles of free markets and competition should also apply to the richest 0.01% of the population. As each and every one of you Rich Families has experienced, Netanyahu couldn't be bought. He didn't get it.

When he got a bit big for his britches, opposed the disengagement process and even tried to rebel against the banks, we suddenly understood that he is not One of Us. Despite Caesarea and his cigars, Netanyahu was as dangerous as Peretz. Our strategic decision was clear: Bibi came, Bibi did and now it's time for Bibi to go.

So even though the election campaign seems half-dead, in fact behind the scenes things were very dramatic. The campaign presented threats from the left and right to the rule of the oligarchs.

We had to act cunningly to foil the peril. We had to set up a political body that would serve us faithfully and put One of Us at its head. We had to harness all the assets we bought in the last decade to assure its victory, to ensure that the government shared our views, bears our arms, does our bidding.

The promised land

Remember, Arik Sharon was very convenient for us. He liked power and esteemed power and understood that we are the power. But his obedience was not absolute. Here and there he was moved by old-fashioned notions of patriotism that were hopelessly unbusinesslike. On the other hand, E.O. is really a great chap. We all know it: his door is open and there's no red tape that can't be cut. There's no deal that can't be dealt with. It's the promised land, milk and money.

But the issue isn't just personal. As a vehicle, Kadima has the political structure we always dreamed of, being a party with no members and no institutions and no ideology. The new ruling party will be a vastly valuable tool to achieve our goals. Since it has no obligations downward, only upward, it will enable us to seize full control over the Israeli government. Police, prosecution, treasury - it will all be in our hands. Even the antitrust commissioner. The Supervisor of Banks. Even the Supreme Court will be manned with new, friendly faces. Like Berlusconi's Italy or Putin's Russia, Israel of Kadima will be a paradise for corporate control. The decrepit democratic regime of the 20th century will be replaced by a reign of the oligarchs with absolute economic power.

Ladies and gentlemen, do not underestimate the importance of this moment. In the last few months we proved we can hold elections with no debate of the issues, no confrontations, no true picture of the situation. We proved that by anesthetizing public opinion, we can mold it. We have perfected the art of managing the democratic process so as to yield the desired results.

And at the end, when the masses return home from the voting booth, we will be able to say with absolute certainty: We rule Israel absolutely. Not indirectly but directly, not partially but wholly. Israel is ours, dear 18 Families.

A word of caution

But at this point I must include one bearish warning in this bullish report. As a loyal, objective strategic analyst it is incumbent upon me to tell my superiors the hard truth: history shows that while in business you may be top guns, in diplomacy - you're barely water pistols. When it comes to your personal interests, you're sharks, but when it comes to the national interest, you're guppies. You don't understand Palestinians, you don't understand the Middle East, and you don't understand the diplomatic side of life.

This shortfall in understanding, and your need to buy quiet in order to do business, makes you the perfect protectors. When you take the keys to the state after March 28, it will start paying you protection money in order to buy some quiet.

But the quiet won't last, dear oligarchs. When it ends, big business will collapse too. In my capacity as an investment adviser, this is my advice: take advantage of the next few years. Squeeze as much as you can from the meltdown of bang!disengagement followed closely by the bang!corpocracy. The chances are good that until 2010, you can go wild like you never have before. But remember that the party will end. Remember that it will gorge on your principle and wear down your asset. And remember that no country can survive with its pillars of support rotten to the core. No free country can survive when its democratic spirit has been broken.

So, start now: prepare real estate companies in eastern Europe and bank accounts in the Virgin Islands. Prepare your yachts for a long voyage. The 2006 victory is a tremendous one, but it needs an exit strategy. My colleagues and I recommend cashing out gains within a few years and moving onto the next investment. Think about Uganda. It looks very promising.