Whatever happened to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian who launched a thousand spelling mistakes? One minute he was threatening to wipe “the Zionist regime” off the map (well, for lots of minutes, actually), the next he was gone, replaced by President Hassan Rohani and his Twitter-loving sidekick, Mohammad Javad Zarif. Are there no second acts in Iranian lives, either?
Let’s be honest, the lecture circuit is saving its big bucks for ex-U.S. presidents and British prime ministers, not raving anti-Semites from Tehran. Indeed, one can imagine Ahmadinejad’s only lectures in recent months being conducted while propping up the illicit bars of Narmark, mumbling to himself about “Elders of Zion,” “Barbra Streisand” and other well-known Jewish conspiracies.
Before I go on, let me get one thing straight: I have no ax to grind with the Persians. Big fan of your carpets. Even bigger fan of your rice. But Mr. Ahmadinejad? Let’s just say he’s not on my Nowruz card list. Listening to Mahmoud - I’m always on first-name terms with people whose surnames I can’t spell or pronounce – always prompted the question, what is the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath anyway?
But that’s not to say I haven’t worried about his welfare since he left the Iranian political scene last summer. Especially with all those sanctions and everything.
And so it was with a strange sense of relief that I watched an Iranian video purporting to show the country’s “thunderous reaction” to any potential strike on the Islamic Republic: unleashing bad computer graphics on Tel Aviv.
So this is what Mahmoud has been up to these past few months, eh? Clearly, teaching himself how to use special effects software and setting up Lenziran Videos. Got to give him full marks for his efforts, but if this video is any guide, he’s got a long way to go before Hollywood comes a-calling.
The last time I saw effects this inept, Dolph Lundgren was standing in the center of the screen. And don’t get me started on the script, which was so bad even Robert De Niro might have passed - remember the key word there: might. Mind you, they didn’t have much to work with: actual footage of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has him threatening his foes with, er, “strong slaps.” That never would have made it past the first draft of the “Iron Man 3” script.
I can’t say I was too surprised, though. I’ve seen “A Separation” and the films of Abbas Kiarostami, and I’m still waiting for a decent car chase or explosion sequence in any of them.
What’s most disturbing, though, is that they would run this amateurish garbage on Iranian state TV. Mahmoud must still have friends in high places. I only hope for their sake there was an abridged version, because sitting through 11 minutes of this was the very definition of agony. Here’s a tip, guys: Just project this onto the Western Well on an endless loop and we’ll be nuking ourselves.
And where did the footage of Israel they used come from? Not this decade, for sure. Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and ex-Defense Minister Amir Peretz in the war room? This is serious. Not only does Iran have a few drones and missiles, it also has access to a time machine! And guys, why on earth are you targeting Kikar Hamedina with your first strike? Don’t you know that place has been dead commercially for aeons already?
Still, this laughable video isn’t all bad news. They didn’t target my apartment, which would have been really inconvenient as I’ve just had some renovations done. (I’m from England, where our first question is always “Is it good for the house prices?”)
Anyway, this is all about Mahmoud, not me. Now that he’s clearly found himself a steady new line of income, I’ve got the perfect job for him: to try and make those Iranian monkeys-in-space videos a bit more convincing in the future.