eli yishai eran wolkowski
Illustration. Photo by Eran Wolkowski
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Here is the list of dramatis personae in the parody that aired during the Sunday cabinet meeting, which was entitled "You Have Brought the Last of the Falashmura to the Land." It starts with Interior Minister Eli Yishai, playing the Jewish Mother Teresa. After completing the pageant of "The Harrowing of the Asylum-Seekers," after flexing his muscles over the children of illegal labor migrants, after tiring of torturing the children of gay parents, Filipino domestics and Thai farmhands, he felt like looking kind for a while. But since he is a modest man who does not like to put himself forward as a doer of good deeds, he left the role to the second actor on the list.

That is Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in the role of God, who heard the outcry of the Falashmura children. As God, he does whatever he feels like doing, which in this case was bringing them all to the promised land. Simple, isn't it? You sit in a cabinet meeting, you fidget uncomfortably in your chair a bit and you recite what Mother Teresa taught you to say. Such as: There is a humanitarian crisis in Ethiopia. In what way is the Falashmura humanitarian crisis different from those of the other asylum-seekers infiltrating Israel from Africa, who are treated with zero compassion?

The third actor in the parody played the jester: Vice Prime Minister Silvan Shalom. The box pops open and out he jumps. No, says Shalom, the Falashmura need to be brought here immediately! No delays! Holier than the pope.

No doubt about it: The decision to bring the remaining Falashmura to Israel is a historic one. An ultra-supreme authority said so: television. Specifically, the news anchors. Ya'akov Eilon, for example, who played the role of Herodotus, with the person beside him Thucydides. What does a serious historian do? He puts on a serious face and says: "A historic decision." And hocus-pocus, viewers feel they are experiencing a historic moment.

In the context of this historic moment, airplanes will bring from Ethiopia 8,000 more anonymous people whom somebody systematically brainwashed and persuaded they are "of the seed of Israel." They will come here, some will commit suicide, some will die of diseases they brought with them and those who are left will sweep streets. At the end of the historic moment, then, the powers that be will thrust a broom at them. In the best case they will thrust it into their hands.

The man with the broom will discover that Judaism, which his ancestors supposedly left generations ago, is nothing like what he thought it was. It is completely identical to the Christianity his family supposedly joined, and which he has now supposedly left. Christians believe in a Father, a Son and a Holy Spirit, no?

And indeed, he will find out that the Judaism absorbing him in Israel believes in the Father Ovadia Yosef and the Son Eli Yishai, who implements everything the father says. And therefore one must pray at least three times a day for the well-being of the good and beneficent father, who found half a subordinate clause somewhere in rabbinical law that permits recognizing the Falashmura as Jews. And for the well-being of the son, who between deporting Filipinos and raiding hostels in search of Sudanese has found time to be kindly and compassionate unto you, the Falashmura.

The man will look around, wondering, where is the third side of the Trinity in this strange new Judaism? Don't worry, my good man. The Holy Spirit will be blowing in the wind when you lift your head up a bit and want, say, to register your children for school. That's when you'll feel it. It will tell you that you are a stinking Ethiopian and there is no room for your children at the school. And that anyway in this country there is one God for the Ashkenazis and another God for the Sephardis and you fall into the crack. You will be stuck in an Ethiopian ghetto in Rehovot or Hadera, your children will become delinquents and then you will cry: Jesus and Mary! What is happening here?

And speaking of Mary, the Mother of God, generally characterized by her compassion, you should know Jews as a collective are compassionate sons of compassionate fathers and they want to show the whole world and its brother that they are compassionate. Therefore, like Boy Scouts, they look for old ladies to drag across the street in order to check off their good deed for the day. The father and the other participants in this parody looked and looked for an old lady to drag across the street. That would be you, the Falashmura. And you will cross the street! Or else!