Police officer speaking on a cell phone.
Police officer speaking on a cell phone. Photo by Daniel Bar-On
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Protective Suit

We are already used to the fact that the long, hairy hands of the expanding universe, aka the “Israeli military”, are not only snatching our best years ‏(via army service‏) and not only as far as the outskirts of Asia ‏(via the recently established Depth Command‏), but are encroaching on our homes and our consciousness, on our ears, esophagus and respiratory system ‏(via the Home Front Command with its masks, messages, broadcasts, bottles and installations‏).

So it was only a matter of time before the army and its bureau chief, The War, took control of that sacred temple of privacy, the individual’s virtual illusion of refuge: the tablet and smartphone. Yes, the “black mirror” through which we were able to escape from the military academy, aka our life, into the music and movies and intimate conversations and civic romance of announcements and messages. It was obvious that this breach in the fence, this smuggling tunnel, if you will, would also not remain open indefinitely.

Indeed, recently we were informed about another “conquest” by Home Front Command: that of the private smartphone of every citizen by means of a blanket SMS message, not unlike digital carpet-bombing, which will assault us all together and each of us separately with emergency announcements that ...

That ... what? What announcements? What kind of texts? “ALARM − RUN TO YOUR BOMB SHELTER”? ‏(What shelter? Which shelter? Who in the world has a shelter?‏) Or maybe, “QUIET! WE’RE SHOOTING”? Perhaps, “JEWS, THE SHTETL IS BURNING”? Or the old standby, “NU, YOU SEE? AND THE WORLD IS SILENT!”

This handsome app offers an original solution. In the case of a real alarm, a recording from 2004 will be rebroadcast, in the voice of the new home front defense minister, Avi Dichter, who was then the head of the Shin Bet: “WE FAILED BY NOT PROVIDING THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL WITH THE PROTECTIVE SUIT THEY DESERVE.”

Although the app will not supply shelter or protection to anyone, it will revitalize the mobilization atmosphere, justify the existence of Home Front Command and at least prevent complacency.

Balance Calibrator

It’s no secret that after the Prime Minister’s Bureau completed its takeover of the Broadcasting Authority, many of the announcers and editors have been living in an upsetting atmosphere of uncertainty. Some are being persecuted on suspicion of displaying openness and intelligence − known in the Bibistic Age as “leftism” − and all this under the guise of a search for “balance,” that elusive concept we had thought was extinct in the era of media open-endedness. But where is that sacred “balance” to be found, when the scales are tilting more and more rightward with each passing day?

This new app locates and automatically calibrates the required balance at every moment. It’s a user-friendly, GPS-based application. You type in the name of the person you want to interview − like, say, “Baruch Marzel.” In that case, just click “Search” and the app immediately finds the nearest and most accessible interviewee to counter-balance him. In this case: “Itamar Ben Gvir.”

It’s as simple as it is practical. We tried it out. We wrote “Akunis,” clicked “Search” and got “Erdan”: a fine balance. We tried to balance the prime minister’s comments in favor of the war in Iran by looking for a different opinion. So we typed in “Netanyahu,” clicked “Search” and got “Ehud Barak.” Bingo.

This app also works for the pluralistic balancing of interviewers. We typed in, for example, “Herschele Yontif Freilich” from the Tradition Network and within seconds got as a counter-balance “Pesachke Sipuchinsky,” from the “Melave Malka” program. No wonder this app is already in massive use. Word has it that in the Broadcasting Authority they don’t switch on a microphone without it.

Occupation Validator

This useful little gadget can be of aid to settlers, Israeli ambassadors, members of the security forces who are confronting demonstrators, and Israeli leaders in their arguments with the international community. This app is based on the operating system of “the Justice Edmond Levy Committee.” As will be recalled, that panel reinforced the prediction of the prime minister, who was the first to grasp that in Judea and Samaria there is no, was no and will be no Israeli occupation.

The conclusions by said committee appear all over the smartphone screen in a massive font, so you can wave it in the faces of know-nothings. The paid version includes a font in Rashi script, kasher lemehadrin.

The Ants Buster

It’s hard to know what the phenomenon signifies − an approaching earthquake? A collision with the planet Melancholia? A war against Iran? − but something strange is happening in the summer of 2012: the repulsive cockroaches that are supposed to survive the next atomic war, have lowered their profile, disappeared en masse, or maybe have fled the country or are hiding in an atomic shelter in the Judean Hills. Their place has been taken by swarms of smarmy, smart-aleck ants, bolder than ever before.

These ants send out trackers, usually consisting of two agents, one small-, the other medium-sized. With a marvelous sense they rush ahead to locate a nano-grain of a microscopic molecule of a crumb of bread that was left unnoticed on the marble counter in the kitchen. They hum to each other, and the die is cast: The little informers then hurry back to their Hezbollaic nests, where they apparently inflate the whole thing, telling who-knows-what stories about chocolate fritters, caramel crunches, honeycombs. The silly queen listens and nods, the signal is given, the attack is launched. The narrow trail on which the two trackers traipsed yesterday now becomes a superhighway, antsy as can be.

On the way they encounter a closed jar containing, say, cinnamon. People say cinnamon gets rid of ants. Well, so they say. These creatures proceed to make a ladder, mandible to thorax, climb up to the lid and open it while emitting rhythmic cries which our ears can’t pick up − and the rest is August.

By the way, if you thought you successfully hid the white Toblerone from them ‏(spoiler: in a vacuum bag inside a diver’s waterproof plastic box, locked in a titanium safe and hidden deep in the freezer‏) − well, here too you failed when crunch time came: They found the buried treasure.

Can we live in the shadow of a threat like this? The new Ants Buster app doesn’t purport to eradicate the ants, only to delay their exit, and even then only before they enter the zone of immunity between the marble and the porcelain. Actually, it’s a kind of dialer, which connects you to an extermination company. But, hey, can we really rely on others, however friendly? Our tip: It’s better to count the days until winter.