The dollar is plunging; the dollar is soaring. West Nile fever is back. A new species of mosquito has been discovered in the Tel Aviv area. A cell phone company has invented a mosquito-repellent ring. Bright green flies the size of elephants have invaded Israel. The health authorities in Jordan and Israel are working together to destroy their breeding grounds at the approaches to the Jordan Valley.
Cockroaches are becoming more aggressive: "A 32-year-old woman in the north of the country was mopping the floor when suddenly a cockroach flew into her mouth. She tried to get it out with a fork, but swallowed that, too, and was rushed to the hospital for surgery." And another newsworthy item: "Four lovesick baboons transferred from Rishon Letzion Zoo to Qalqilyah to end romantic squabbling."
The road map has chalked up its first achievement. Dov Weisglass is heading for Washington on a secret mission. Silvan Shalom was warmly received at the Vatican. A lieutenant colonel in the military police kissed a woman soldier. Kochi Mordechai announced in an exclusive interview that she is prepared to be minister of defense. A teacher at a religious high school has married one her students.
The chief of staff: We won. The defense minister: That is an irresponsible statement. A 39-year-old man woke up after 19 years in a coma and the first thing he did was ask for a Pepsi. After neighbors complained about the intolerable noise, a judge has forbidden a young couple to make love between 11 P.M. and 7 A.M.
On the front page that same day: More bad news for Etti Alon, the embezzler of millions: Her husband wants a divorce. Weisglass is back from his secret mission, but Silvan Shalom met with Berlusconi, who received him warmly.
"Sharon and Ninette Perry will not forget their wedding night in Rishon Letzion. As the couple celebrated, the debt collectors crashed the party and made off with the safe holding all their wedding checks."
Rachel Shalita - whose ordeal got a six-column write-up - walked out of the laundromat. She left two bags of washing on the sidewalk and went off to get her car. Meanwhile, a garbage truck came by and collected the bags. Shalita, a resourceful woman, chased the truck all way to the Hiriya dump to get her laundry back.
A woman who has been trying to knock off her husband for 20 years was arrested by a policeman masquerading as a hired killer. Her faithful hubby can't believe it, even after hearing a tape on which she asks for the job not to be done at home because she doesn't want to upset the dog. The neighbors said they were a happy couple.
After four hours of police questioning, MK Michael Gorlovsky, who cast a double vote in the Knesset because he thought that's the way things were done, called the media a bunch of "blood-sucking vampires."
Rabbi Ovadia on Bush: "That donkey, that animal - why doesn't he give money to yeshivas instead of making war on Iraq?" Banner headline: "Deri is returning to politics." Deri on TV: "No, I'm not returning. But Rabbi Ovadia and I are getting along great. I was over there on Saturday night and he gave me five slaps. The harder the slap, the more he loves me." Weisglass is off to Washington and Silvan Shalom was received by the Italian Senate with thunderous applause.
That delightful couple, Yael Abuksis and Lior Miller, said adios at the rabbinate and this time it wasn't part of a commercial. Pnina and Haim, a.k.a Bandy and Bondy, who got married and divorced and remarried, split up again. Michal Yanai struck twice: Once in a multipage spread on her glamorous wedding and again in the "naughty tape" scandal, with its scenes of coke-snorting, orgies, S&M and group sex. The more we hear, the less clear it is what exactly this sweetie-pie of Israeli kiddie shows is up to.
In an "exclusive interview" on the front page, back page and weekend edition of the paper, Orna Banai has revealed that she's in her fourth month: "This pregnancy is a real surprise, but I'm absolutely thrilled." What kind of surprise could she be talking about? Was she impregnated by the Holy Spirit? "My dog, Sigalit, doesn't know about it yet, but she has nothing to worry about. For me, she'll always be No.1." It's good the fetus can't read Yedioth Ahronoth yet.
Mofaz is urging caution. Dahlan is asking for extra time. A thousand Qassam rockets are lined up and ready for launching. Weisglass is back. Shalom has been warmly received. And in the Muqata, Arafat, his hands tied, is laughing his head off.
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