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I don't open a newspaper without putting a bedpan next to me, to be on the safe and clean side. What could be more revolting than all this disgusting nonsense - the racism of the Ashkenazi ultra-Orthodox, the submission of the Sephardi ultra-Orthodox or the boorishness of the celebrities from Ramat Aviv who visit the so-called X-Ray rabbi?

Baruch Mimagentza was a famous Jewish martyr, but today's Baruch leaves a message on the answering machine: "I have gone out to sanctify the name of the Lord; for the next two weeks I'll be in prison." That is his way of validating things; the settlement of Immanuel has become Magentza - the German town of Mainz whose sons were put to the test 10 times.

Then the Lord opened the learned rabbi's mouth and he spoke: "Even the Nazis didn't separate children from their parents." That cannot be unless God has stopped taking care of naive people. And these people have pretensions of embodying the Jewish memory over the generations, the traditions of grandfather Israel. I apologize, grandpa, for them turning you over in your grave, which you dug with your own hands in the forest, next to the hamlet, in front of the execution squad.

All in all, it was fun on the holy Sabbath, and not one of the Prisoners of Zion has yet joined the minyan of the Ten Martyrs, Jewish sages killed by the Romans. A good study group, good food and a pleasant atmosphere broaden a person's horizons when he is in distress. The ultra-Orthodox have not seen such good days since some of them returned from the ashram and their vipassana meditation. After their minds weakened there, they are now growing stronger here.

Even Ms. Hannah - a mother of seven - did not have to work hard on the eve of the Sabbath because she was fed by a catering service from Bnei Brak on Shabbat, with the rest of her colleagues. This is self-sacrifice, and the payment for it is $500 in an envelope for every family and all the cholent you can eat.

The detainees only had one complaint: "A few cockroaches were crawling around the room." But they were easily exterminated. So perish all Thine enemies, O Lord, first and foremost the drugged judges of the High Court of Justice. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef will be sure to take care of them. True, he does not have a clue what is happening in this world and in the hell of his family and party, but he, the genius, is well-versed in the rules of heaven and the next world.

The past few days have revealed the thoughts of Shas' leaders, which during the rest of the year are hidden under the brims of their hats. Eli Yishai wants Agudat Yisrael's institutes of learning to make the Sephardi children as pale as Ashkenazim. And Ovadia wants to be really big, like a Lithuanian rabbi. And what's left of the former glory? The embroidered robe of our master, though the soul has departed.

The ultra-Orthodox people of the community of Slonim keep to themselves, the people of Shas are self-deprecating and those from Chabad go everywhere to spread their faith. We must explain to our children that they should keep away from adult strangers who accost them in the street. Are their souls less vulnerable than their bodies? Can indecent acts not be committed against their souls, too?

First they spread to Ramat Aviv and now they are in our neighborhood too, hunting for lost souls and tying them to the tefillin. Chabad is the most nationalist cult, the most messianic, the most missionary.

But traditionalist celebrities who recite the Kiddush and kiss the mezuzah open the door to it. Had the mezuzah not been affixed to the top right-hand side of the door, the model might have mistakenly thought it was a makeup vial, and the football coach might have blown into it, thinking it was a whistle. That is - until their children fall into the pit of "a little bit of Yiddishkeit."

Is there any secular person left in this country whose life is filled with secular matters and who does not have a large hole in his soul and a gap in his education? Are there still responsible adults here who do not act infantile?