If you say that "Israel is the national homeland of the Jewish people" this indicates that Israel is the national homeland solely for Jews. That Israel is not the national homeland for the 20 % of Israel's population that is not Jewish. Thus it is very easy to reach the conclusion that your wording also means that non-Jewish citizens have less rights. Here's a suggestion "In the spirit of the declaration of independence I pledge allegience to the democratic state of Israel and swear to abide by its laws. In light of the special connection that former residents have to the land of Israel I recognize the right of all former residents or their descendants to return as citizens of Israel."
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from the article: No Knesset majority for loyalty oath for Jews and non-Jews