Thanksgiving is always a big deal in the United States. Every year, on the fourth Thursday of November, Americans return home to share massive feasts with their families. In 2013, the fourth Thursday of November happens to be the first night of Hanukkah. This won’t happen again for another 70,000 years, so American Jews are making a big deal out of “Thanksgivukkah.” They’re coming up with recipes for sufganiyot filled with cranberries (a traditional Thanksgiving fruit), and Thanksgiving turkey brined in kosher wine.
But why should they have all the fun? Here are some combinations that would give Jews of all nations their own equally exciting Frankenholidays. Sure, they might require a little tinkering with the calendar - but that’s a small price to pay.
1. Yom Queenpur: This combines the Jewish Day of Atonement with the British observation of the Queen’s birthday. The best part: fasting is much less of a sacrifice when the foods you’re giving up are Blood Pudding and Spotted Dick.
2. Iranian Revolution Day-Purim: An observance of the time when Haman totally did NOT try to wipe out the Jews, although maybe he accidentally bumped into one of them on the street and then Mordechai and his fellow Zionist mouthpieces COMPLETELY exaggerated it. On this day, Iranians officials read the Book of Esther out loud, and whenever Haman’s name is mentioned, they drown it out by cheering loudly.
3. Bastille Day-Sukkot: Informed that the French peasants had no fancy fans to wave, Marie Antoinette replied with the immortal words, “Let them shake lulavs.” To celebrate Bastille Day-Sukkot, just build a simple wooden structure in your yard, and then storm it in a torch-wielding mob.
4. St. Patrick’s Purim: A topsy-turvy day of crazy rule-breaking, St. Patrick’s Purim is the wild time of year when Irish Jews must stay sober. Some of them even drink so much water, they can tell the difference between Haman and Mordechai.
5. Kim-chas Tora: On this day, North Korean Jews celebrate God’s greatest gift to humanity: Kim Jong-Un. In a huge stadium, thousands of celebrants perform a creepy, perfectly-synchronized hora, then take turns throwing the country’s only piece of candy.
6. Brazillian Carnivalukkah: A celebration of the miracles of plastic surgery, for, lo, there was only enough breast to fill a B-cup, yet it lasted unto a 36DD.
7. Canadian Thanksgivukkah: Exactly the same as American Thanksgivukkah, but you sing Maoz Tzur in a quieter, more polite voice.
8. October Fest-Passover: On all other days, we do not drink one mug of beer, but on this day, we drink four. On all other days, we do not dip once, but on this day, we dip twice: once to dip green vegetables in beer, and again to dip maror in beer. On all other nights, we eat sitting up, but on this night, we drink beer until we have to lie down. (The German Beer Association reminds you to drink responsibly, and always know when to say dayenu).
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