I was recently invited to two very different weddings that both took place in Israel. The first was the wedding of one of my best friends and the second of a cousin of my girlfriend. These two weddings, spaced one week apart, could not have been more different.
The first wedding, who’s bride and groom were both Americans that made “aliyah”, was incredibly “haimish”. The guests were all family members or close friends and the entire celebration was tasteful and reserved. There were no over the top theatrics during the wedding nor at the party afterward. At the party, everyone danced and rejoiced at the marriage of their good friends. Everyone that attended felt like it was an intimate occasion, just like any wedding should be. There was a real sense of witnessing two people joining together and becoming one.
The second wedding, who’s bride and groom were both Israelis, was the exact opposite of the first one. Perhaps I could define it as a production, where the guests were the audience and the bride and groom played starring roles. There were a phalanx of photographers, video cameras on 20-foot booms, two DJ’s, and a live feed of the wedding ceremony projected in high definition on the walls of the event hall. It all seemed to be too much. At some points it felt like I was watching the wedding of Kim Kardashian, and not of the simple barber and his bride from Holon. Fifty years ago, or I'd even venture to say twenty years ago, a wedding like this would never have been conceived of in Israel, much less take place. Where has our humility gone?
In order to look at the Israeli mentality toward weddings, one only needs to have heard the conversation going on in my car during the ride to the second wedding. The subject came up of how much money to give the new bride and groom. What is important in this discussion was not how much money to give, but the reason behind the money.
It seems to me that people in Israel feel the money should be equal to the cost per plate at the wedding venue. The idea is to cover the cost for the wedding. This approach seems to me to be flawed. In my opinion, money or gifts given to a newly married couple are not meant to cover the cost of the wedding, but to give the new couple an economic base to start off their new lives together. The notion of giving money in order to cover the cost of the wedding assumes that the couple and their parents went well beyond their means in order to have the wedding. The parents of the bride and groom should not need to take out a mortgage in order to pay for their children’s wedding, nor rely on the generosity of their guests to cover the costs. Although I understand weddings are never a cheap affair, people should not go beyond their means in order to pay for them.
While I understand that people want their wedding to be a special occasion, the most important thing is the union of the two people. A couple’s ability, both economically and spiritually, to start a life together should remain the most important part of any wedding – not being over the top and spending as much money as possible. It seems these big lights-camera-action productions that constitute Israeli weddings make people lose sight of what is really important.
Zachary Katowitz is an IDF veteran who is the director of volunteer operations at FriendaSoldier.com and is studying for a degree in Government.
