Subscribe to Print Edition | Thu., July 03, 2008 Sivan 30, 5768 | | Israel Time: 17:33 (EST+7) web haaretz.com   Back to Homepage Rosner's Domain Diplomacy Defense Jewish World Opinion National Print Edition Car Rental Books Peres Conference Business Real Estate Easy Start Travel Week's End Anglo File

The lesson By Sayed Kashua In exactly two hours I'm supposed to go the lawyer's and sign a contract to buy an apartment. I'm more scared than I've ever been - well, maybe I'm exaggerating, because in late September 2000 I was more scared, and I was also more scared when I got married, and when my first child was born, and I was pretty hysterical when my son was born, too, and even more scared when he had to have those operations. So let me put it another way - in exactly two hours I'm going to sign a contract to buy an apartment and I'm pretty darn scared about it. "What's to be afraid of?" my friends say. "Taking a mortgage is a natural thing. What's wrong with you? Real estate is the best investment there is. Be happy." Advertisement So I'm trying to be happy but it's not working. I've never been interested in investing in real estate. I want a home, not an investment. I don't believe in investments, I've always been lazy. No matter what anybody says about real estate and assets, I can guarantee you that in exactly two hours, real estate prices will start to plummet. I'm no expert on economics or the world market, I grant you. I don't understand any of it. As far as I know, the prime interest rate has to do with the number of households watching television during prime time, after subtracting the number of Arab households from the total. In any case, I can say with near-scientific certainty that real estate prices will plummet, will crash and burn, that before long a house will cost just a quarter of what it does today and renovation contractors will be giving away floor tiles. It's a fact: If I invest in something, it crashes. And I'm talking a lifetime of experience here. This has been my from time immemorial. Just when I start working in television and am so thrilled to have signed a contract in dollars, the dollar decides to leap off the Empire State Building. I still remember the day of the signing and how I strutted around like a peacock, telling anyone who was willing to listen, and some who weren't, that from now on I was earning a salary in greenbacks. Mortgage - what a scary word. A 25-year mortgage. Though I have to admit that once I have it I'll feel more Israeli than ever. Of course, I know that people all over the world take out mortgages, but I grew up in a home and in a family where a mortgage was thought of in about the same way as enlisting in the Israel Defense Forces. "Dad, what's a mortgage?" I used to ask whenever there was an article about people with mortgages being tossed onto the street, penniless. "A mortgage, my son," my socialist father would reply after a long pause, "is a debt for which they take poor people's homes away from them." "What? A mortgage is a nakba?" "Exactly. A nakba for Jews." Ever since the decision was made to buy an apartment, I've been sitting here surrounded by notebooks and ledgers, contracts and calculators, running numbers nonstop, trying to get to the bottom of this terrible edict, to no avail. Time after time, I call the bank, the accountant, the lawyer, and again the bank, and then another one, continuously calculating - supposedly - down to the last shekel, even though I really have no idea what I'm doing. But there's something comforting in the very fact of writing down numbers, subtracting, adding, checking percentages. At least it gave my wife the impression that I'm actually about to become a serious person, that at last I am grounded in reality and know the cost of electricity, water and municipal taxes - and, especially, our cell phone service. "What?!" I found myself shouting in the grocery store. "Cola costs seven shekels?! You've got to be kidding!" So it's no more cola for us. Period. One of the wonderful things that's happened since the start of the mortgage process is that I've been smoking less. Even though, with all these numbers and percentages floating before my eyes, the desire to puff on a cigarette is about as strong as the desire for a post-sex smoke, but I'm restraining myself. Two packs a day times 16 shekels comes to nearly 1,000 shekels a month on cigarettes. So far, I'm down to smoking one pack every two days, and I've stopped having sex. "So listen, sweetheart," I told my daughter last week as I drove her home from the conservatory. "Maybe we'll stop with the piano lessons, what do you say?" "Why, Daddy?" She was surprised. For two years we've been fighting about it every day, with me insisting that she not miss her practice time at home. Not because I wanted her to become a concert pianist, of course, but because I wanted her to be one of those folks who when they grow up complain about how their parents used to force them to learn an instrument. Hey, what else could I do? All those people I heard complaining about how music lessons made their childhoods miserable grew up to become more successful than the people who weren't forced to take them. I didn't want her to grow up and feel different than her Ashkenazi friends. They'd complain about the violin, and my daughter could complain about the piano. That's what I call equal opportunity. "Listen," I said to her, thinking about the thousand shekels a month we spend on her extracurricular activities. "What do you need it for? It's hard. All that practicing every day. Just forget it." "No, Daddy," she answered, tears spilling from her eyes. "I'll practice, Daddy. I promise! Every day, as much as you want!" "Why should you practice?" I said, trying to keep my nerves under control. "Music is for people who aren't good at math. You're good at math, right?" "Please, Daddy, I want to keep learning piano." "Piano is boring. Wouldn't you rather watch television? What's wrong with the Children's Channel?" "But Daddy," she said, "you cut off the cable service." "That's right," I started to get annoyed at my daughter's clever replies. "And you know why I cut off the cable service? For your own good. Everything I do is for your own good. I do everything for you all and all I get is complaints. Fine, just blame me for cutting off the cable. You know, you'll thank me for it when you grow up. Nowadays, all the progressive people are throwing the television out of the house altogether. Did I do that? No. I just cut off the cable service. What's wrong with Channel 1? What's wrong with an antenna? You know, when I was your age, all we had was the Jordanian channel. And you know what? It hasn't changed much. In fact, Jordan TV is better than all the channels that you like. All you guys have are complaints." The little girl was crying in the back seat, poor thing. How is it her fault? When we get home, I'll calm her down, I'll apologize, but I won't give in on the piano thing. It's enough already. What do we need it for? Anyway, she could learn on her own if she really wanted. The cell phone rang. It was my wife. "Hello," she said. "Nu, what is it?" I answered quickly. "Nothing," she answered. "I just wanted to check, how was her lesson?" "You couldn't wait a minute until we got home? Didn't we say that the cell phones were only for emergencies, and even then only for texting? Am I the only one who works around here? You tell me." I hung up, annoyed, and without even noticing, I lit a cigarette. Bookmark to del.icio.us   Terror in the capital A Palestinian rammed his bulldozer into a bus in Jerusalem, killing three. Poetic injustice Palestinian poet Mahmoud Darwish blends sarcasm and hope in his latest work.

Read & React Shot and bleeding, Jerusalem terrorist kept going to kill baby's mother Responses: 93 ANALYSIS / Terrorist or petty criminal run amok? Responses: 101 Ari Shavit: Strike on Iran is good for Israel and U.S. in long run Responses: 54 Reuven Rivlin: Talkbackers, not security services, are setting Israeli policy Responses: 20 Obama enlists Jewish lawmakers in outreach effort Responses: 30 More Headlines 17:30 Qassam hits Negev, sixth since start of Gaza truce 12:40 Vice Premier: Parts of East Jerusalem should be severed from capital 12:18 How many missiles will be fired from Iran, Syria, Lebanon in the next war? 17:32 U.S. envoy: We won't intervene in Israel-Syria talks 15:59 Jerusalem terrorist's family told to take down mourners' tent 12:59 Obama enlists Jewish lawmakers in outreach effort 13:50 Barak okays construction of dormitory at Hebron seminary 15:56 Hitler wax figure unveiled in Berlin amid criticism 13:07 Iran: Israel holding diplomats who vanished in Lebanon in 1982 14:40 Supreme Court president: Our justices are the target of incitement 14:41 Study: Israelis like to smoke marijuana, less keen on coke 17:22 Man who killed IDF soldier outside Haifa nightclub gets life in prison Previous Editions Select Day 02 jul 01 jul 30 jun 29 jun 27 jun 26 jun 25 jun 24 jun 23 jun 22 jun 20 jun 19 jun

Special Offers Advertisement Dan Hotels Israel Live the Legend & experience an Unforgettable Summer Vacation Holyland Park Jerusalem Apartment Tower World Class Luxury In the heart of Tel-Aviv The Meier on Rothschild tower Your vacation starts here Israel Travel Center Guaranteed Lowest Rates Hebrew Summer courses From $39.95 Pardes Institute Summer Sessions http://www.pardes.org.il/ Fattal Hotel Chain Perfectly located hotels on best resorts of Israel. ISRAEL BONDS Build Israel Israel bonds - a multi-purpose way to celebrate Israel's 60th Eldan Rent a Car Israel's leading car rental company offers you a 20% discount on all online reservations Junkyard Junk a car - get free towing nationwide and a tax-deductible receipt

Home | TV | Print Edition | Diplomacy | Opinion | Arts & Leisure | Sports | Jewish World | Underground | Site rules |

Real Estate in Israel | Travel to Israel with Haaretz | Hotels Israel | Restaurants Israel | Tourist attractions Israel | Shops Israel

birthright Israel | Search engine marketing

Haaretz.com, the online edition of Haaretz Newspaper in Israel, offers real-time breaking news, opinions and analysis from Israel and the Middle East. Haaretz.com provides extensive and in-depth coverage of Israel, the Jewish World and the Middle East, including defense, diplomacy, the Arab-Israeli conflict, the peace process, Israeli politics, Jerusalem affairs, international relations, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, the Palestinian Authority, the West Bank and the Gaza Strip, the Israeli business world and Jewish life in Israel and the Diaspora.

© Copyright  Haaretz. All rights reserved