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Caryn Aviv (Archive) Last update - 12:58 06/05/2008 Mini-blog post #2: Why Was This Seder Different From All Other Seders? By Caryn Aviv Tags: Caryn Aviv, Jewish world  At Seder night, my formerly Catholic, now Heeb magazine-subscribing, Herzl-reading, super-Jewy, uber-fabulous girlfriend (who probably knows more Yiddish than I do) would be meeting the parents for the first time. No, it had nothing to do with reclining to the left or the right, or the type of charoset we served. Instead, true to form in my life, this year's seder had everything to do with who wound up sitting at the table. First of all, the first night of seder was a gay variation of Ben Stiller's "Meet the Fockers." My parents aren't quite as over the top as Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand in the film, but their bawdy sense of humor, penchant for embarrassing disclosures, and occasionally questionable boundaries hit close to home. So at Seder night, my formerly Catholic, now Heeb magazine-subscribing, Herzl-reading, super-Jewy, uber-fabulous girlfriend (who probably knows more Yiddish than I do) would be meeting the parents for the first time. Gulp. You might think that a "meet the parents" moment for someone who is almost forty shouldn't be a big deal anymore - right? Wrong. Given my past history of painful relationship endings and years of disastrous lesbian dating choices (see my first post about cat-loving recovering Jewish alcoholics), I had a lot riding on this initial encounter. Advertisement To add to the anxiety, my gay co-parents and I inadvertently wound up inviting 27 people to our seder. And none of us like to cook. Thankfully, we placed an emergency order to Zaidy's Deli (a local Denver Ashkenazi Jewish culinary institution) for the stock menu of matzoh ball soup, brisket, and kugel and made a pilgrimage to Costco for the rest. But the most important detail of all? This year, there would be roughly an equal number of non-Jews and Jews at the seder table. How could this be? How could three Jewish communal professionals (two Jewish studies professors and a Jewish non-profit executive director) wind up with such an unusually multicultural, religiously ecumenical roster of invitees? For starters, one of my gay co-parents invited five non-Jewish relatives who live in the Denver area. Add to the mix some faculty colleagues and friends who had never been to a seder, plus random non-Jewish spouses and significant others, and pretty soon the list was half and half. No problem! All I figured we needed to do was to explain a few things at the beginning of the seder, and then we'd be off and running. But if I really want to be honest, I admit that something felt, well, a bit off. I couldn?t quite put my finger on it, until the singing began. In seders past, my family sang "Dayenu" and "Echad Mi Yodea?" with such vocal gusto and semi-drunken hand-slapping on the table that the glassware routinely shook. This year, the chorus consisted of me, my co-parents, my biological parents, and a Jewish studies colleague who grew up in Borough Park, Brooklyn (who insisted on singing the Four Questions in Yiddish, much to the delight of everyone). Most of the other Jews at the table self-identified as secular and meekly mouthed along without really knowing the words. Most of the non-Jews in the house simply looked at each other when the table-pounding began, and wondered what the appropriate behavior in such a situation might be. The other realization dawned on me right around the time of the ten plagues. Part of the issue was the language (not just in the Haggadah) of collective Jewish identity: "WE were an oppressed people, WE were redeemed and brought out of the land of Egypt." WE, WE, WE. It never really occurred to me just how much "we-speak" is involved in telling the Passover story until the speakers who are reading successive paragraphs, with some trepidation and awkwardness, are actually NOT a part of the "we" in question. I'm of two minds about what this sociological fact represented. On the one hand, you could argue that the Jew/Gentile seder ratio simply reflects the deep integration of American Jews into American culture, just another manifestation of the pluralism and multiculturalism that I (and many other American Jews) so dearly value and celebrate. On the other hand, someone who anxiously bemoans the demise of the Jewish people might read into my seder an indication of the dangerous costs of assimilation and acceptance in the diaspora. Indeed, I can hear some people carping, "Are the conditions of Jewish life are so tenuous these days that davka even a time-honored Jewish ritual like the Passover seder has become 'diluted by the presence of non-Jews'?" What I think this seder demonstrated was the both/and complexity and richness of contemporary Jewish life in America today. Most American Jews are now part of multicultural, hybrid, interfaith extended families. And for those who have had their heads buried in the sand the past twenty years, the reality is this level of family diversity is fast becoming the norm almost everywhere in the United States. Yes, my seder was different than seders past because it turned out to be mixed space, when historically, most of the seders I attended as a child were usually "Jewish only" insider space. In my childhood, my great-aunt Sophie grew up Orthodox, and scandalously married a Catholic. She was ostracized by my family for twenty years and then later welcomed back into the fold after her four children were born. However, she and her family were never invited to seder. Little did my shul-going, Camp Ramah attending, suburban Chicago Jewish family realize that our experience of interfaith relationships was a harbinger of things to come. Little did I know that one day I, my parents, and my gay co-parents would welcome at the seder table - with open arms - the presence of my formerly Catholic girlfriend, who has wholeheartedly embraced the cultural and intellectual richness of Jewishness. I realized (for the umpteenth time) that this experience is an integral part of my (and others') Jewish identity these days, given the pervasiveness of interfaith relationships among American Jews. I think what my seder represented was the possibility that interfaith and multicultural American Jewish families like mine are an opportunity for cultural richness, inclusion, and hybridity - all values that strike me as particularly American. With this change from "insider space" (whether out of choice or because of necessity) to "shared space" comes great opportunity for learning about "the other" in many directions. Both/and. And the "Meet the Parents" moment? Sweet justice, you should know. True to form, there was an inappropriate and utterly humiliating parental disclosure (which prompted a cathartic cry and a lesbian processing session the next day. But this time, the tables were turned. First, at the end of the visit, it was my parents who anxiously asked whether or not they had made a good impression with the girlfriend. I actually heard (but couldn't quite believe) the question, "did she like us?" emerge from my mother's mouth. And second, this time around, I didn't really care whether the parents (or anyone else) liked my girlfriend or not (although I knew they would). Because the only thing that matters is that *I* love her. Not only does she subscribe to Heeb magazine and possess a serious affinity for Shalom Auslander, but she knew the words to Dayenu! Who could ask for more? Previous Caryn Aviv blog posts: My big fat gay Jewish family Caryn Aviv is a lecturer at the University of Denver and the author of 'New Jews: The End of the Jewish Diaspora' Bookmark to del.icio.us   Stronger than its ills The 60th anniversary celebrations are accompanied by a bad taste. Rise in racism Israeli Arabs say institutionalized racism has increased.   1.   Great blog. Remind me of meeting with my husband`s parents 00:37  |  Yaakov Sullivan 07/05/08   2.   Lovely. BTW there is an article about gay benefits 22:57  |  Yaakov Sullivan 08/05/08

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