NEW YORK - Israeli families living in the United States often decide whether to return to Israel when their child is about to start first grade or enter his teens. "When you're raising children, they don't always know if they're Israeli or American," says Ayelet Ben Ziv. This is just one of the problems facing these families.

Ben Ziv wrote a book about Israelis living in America, of whom there are about 650,000, herself included. "Many Israelis who realize the American dream find that even if they have succeeded financially, their success has not provided them with the goods," she says. "Making money and building a career exacts a cost, the absence of a sense of belonging; many Israelis feel like foreigners here throughout their lives."

The book, "Jetlag," was published by Gvanim Press. The title refers not only to the time difference between Israel and the U.S., which is indeed symbolic. "I deal with the much deeper divides Israelis encounter - cultural gaps and primarily emotional gaps."

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If those who have realized the dream do not feel at ease, then that is certainly also the case for those who pursue it unsuccessfully. "Most Israelis don't make it big," notes Ben Ziv, "and I focus on them in the stories. However, it is true that if you work hard, you have a chance of succeeding in a big way. If you make it in Israel, it will usually be on a small scale. But in America as well, the majority lives and struggles or dreams of achieving great success.

"For women it's much harder," she continues. "The husbands go to work and get to know American society. Many women, however, simply stay at home, do not become familiar with the new situation and remain behind. I know women in New Jersey, where many Israeli families live, who joined their husbands who came to build a career, and they long to return because they are having trouble acclimating."

Hard to be an immigrant

Ben Ziv was born in Haifa, served in the air force and completed a master's in psychology at the Technion. She moved to the U.S. with her husband, Roni Appel, so he could complete a master's in business administration, a springboard into the world of American business. They came for two years and stayed for ten. In the meantime, Appel became CEO of a biotechnology startup, Advaxis, which is developing a vaccine for uterine cancer.

The idea of living abroad was not easy, she says. Her grandfather, Avraham Ben Ziv, was one of the founders of the Irgun, and was a suspect in the murder of Dr. Yaakov Yisrael de Hahn, she says. During their first year, Ben Ziv says she had a great time wandering the streets of New York. Then she and her family moved to a suburb in New Jersey. She found a job in human resources development at AT&T, and after three years was let go due to cutbacks. She then started studying at Columbia University, but quickly discovered that what really interested her was writing about the Israeli experience in the United States. Some of the stories that appear in the book were first published in Yedioth Ahronoth's journal Hakeshet Hahadasha (The New Rainbow) and in other publications in the U.S. and Israel.

"In general, it's hard for Israelis to accept that they're basically immigrants," she says. "Israelis who come here always say they're here temporarily, and that temporary stay gradually gets longer and longer. There are people who have been here for 20 years and they still say they'll go back. The meaning of this is that they don't belong. Your kids will be American, but you, even if you have citizenship, will not really be an American. It's hard to understand this when you live in Israel. In the beginning it's nice to see the Christmas celebrations with the lights and Santa Claus, but gradually this is replaced by a feeling of isolation. The reality is much grayer, and not everyone is cut out for it."

But even those who return to Israel don't always find their place. "While they were in America, they imagined a different Israel," says Ben Ziv, "but part of it was just a fantasy. The other part is based on past experience, and meanwhile Israel has changed. There are some who return to Israel and don't manage, and often end up going back to the U.S."

Israeli ghetto

Ben Ziv divides the Israeli immigrants into several groups. On one end of the spectrum are those who live in what she calls an Israeli ghetto mentality. They feel totally connected to Israel, and look at America as a strange place and at Americans as if they were aliens, and keep their distance. "It's hard for an Israeli to adapt to American society. He doesn't understand why people tell him 'we'll be in touch' or 'let's do lunch' even though they don't mean it." These immigrants watch Israeli television via satellite, are friendly only with Israelis, live in Israeli communities and speak Hebrew.

On the other end of the spectrum are those who unequivocally reject Israel and their Israeli identity. They try to live as Americans. "And they, too, don't have it easy," says Ben Ziv, "because American society is essentially closed. Israelis who come to America as adults must make lots of behavioral changes in order to meet American norms."

Even the belief of many Israelis that the large U.S. Jewish community will ease their absorption does not always prove true. "This is a very loaded relationship," notes Ben Ziv. "There are some Jews who are very warm to Israel and Israelis, but I came across less of them. I have wonderful American Jewish friends, but most have no connection to Israel and avoid Israelis. It is often said that this stems from bad experiences with Israelis, but I don't accept that. There are lots of fine, quality Israelis in America, and I don't see how contact with them could foster a sense of hostility."

On the other hand, she acknowledges, "There are Israeli stereotypes. And the interesting thing is that the Jews' stereotype of Israelis is very similar to non-Jews' stereotype of Jews - as people who chase money, are inconsiderate, aggressive and so on. Incidentally, in the eyes of non-Jews, there is little difference between Jews and Israelis."

Ben Ziv sees children as one of the main problems. "The parents' attachment is to Israel, and the children grow up as Americans," she explains. "And the longer you wait, the more distant returning to Israel becomes. If the parents still toy with the idea, and there are some who see it almost as a form of redemption, the children panic. After all, they are attached to this place.

"The attempt to instill Israeli values in children is very hard," she continues. "For example, in New Jersey, they have an afternoon program to teach the kids about Israel. It's a nice idea, but the problem is that it's practically a lost cause from the start. The children don't like going to class to hear about Israel for two hours after a long school day. I gave up on that. I didn't manage to instill Hebrew in my children. The solution we found was long summer vacations in Israel."

In general, she says, "the longing for Israel is sometimes difficult, primarily when parents age and become ill. You talk to them on the phone a lot, come for ten days to visit, but it's not the same. So you're in a constant state of guilt. Also, grandpa and grandma don't have the opportunity to get close to their grandchildren. You basically choose to waive close relationships with your extended family."

As for her family, she says, "We had a lot of deliberations about whether or not to return. The worst thing is coping with the temporary nature of the stay. You're here and you don't belong. You're torn and it's disturbing. Sometimes I want to go back and sometimes my husband wants to go back. At the moment, the general feeling is to go back. Whether that will happen, I don't know."