Subscribe to Print Edition | Thu., March 12, 2009 Adar 16, 5769 | | Israel Time: 15:09 (EST+7)   Back to Homepage web haaretz.com Haaretz Toolbar Diplomacy Defense Jewish World Opinion National Print Edition Car Rental Books Haaretz Magazine Business Real Estate Joy of Giving Travel Week's End Anglo File

Three imaginary conversations By Doron Rosenblum Tags: Netanyahu, Livni  1. Between Bibi and Tzipi Tzipi: Good evening to you, anyway. Bibi: Good evening. Watch out for the step there. T Advertisement zipi: Thanks, but I don't see any step. Bibi: Just kidding. I was just checking the quickness of your response. Tzipi: Mr. Netanyahu, usually I can appreciate good humor, even practical jokes, but in this case I do not think that this is the time or place for it. And as for the quickness of my response - Here's your answer: No. Bibi: You haven't heard my offers yet ... Tzipi: What could you offer that would surprise me? Bibi: Cigar? You look like someone who appreciates a good cigar ... Tzipi: Only my good upbringing prevents me from telling you where you can stick it. I must make it clear that nothing will budge me from my principles, other than a clear and unequivocal clarification as to your diplomatic path. Bibi: I've explained my position time and again. It couldn't possibly be any clearer. Tzipi: And it is? Bibi: My position is: Terror, the Iranian danger, terror, the Hamas danger, terror, the Hezbollah danger, terror, the deflation danger, terror, the earthquake danger, terror, the leftist danger. I mean the rightist danger. In the face of all of these we need a strong, broad, unified, national, cohesive, Likudist government - what could be clearer? This is the time to rise above petty personal and political calculations ... Tzipi: Where was this 'rising above' before? Why didn't you join a unity government when someone else was going to head it? Bibi: You just reminded me of another lurking danger we need to be wary of: the danger of a prime minister who isn't me; this may be the greatest danger of them all. Tzipi: At least spell it out clearly for me: Are you in favor of the bare minimum that the whole world agrees upon, of two states for two peoples? Bibi: Hey, take a look at this neato lighter that Steinitz brought me from Shadelson's office: You press here and then this pointy thing pops up and flashes, like a flame from the mouth of a dragon. Watch! Oops - It didn't light - Just a sec ... Tzipi: "Two states for two peoples" - Yes or no? Bibi: Enough, Tzipi, enough of this child's play. We're dealing with serious matters here: Iran, the Iranian threat ... Tzipi: Two state for two peoples - Yes or no? Bibi: ... Okay - How many? Tzipi: Two states for two peoples. No more - but no less. Bibi: I mean - How many ministries? You take foreign affairs, internal affairs, deputy prime minister, defense, foreign-and-defense. Take my car. Take everything, and I'll just sit in the prime minister's office in the dark and laugh. Tzipi: I don't care about all that. Just two states - Bibi: Come, come Tzipi'le. You'll be happy, I promise. Look, I'm getting down on my knees and creasing my shoe. By the way, has anyone ever told you that your feet tap out a beautiful melody and your step is pure grace, that if you take so much as one stride away from me I shall pursue you like a hunter after a gazelle? Tzipi: Oh really? And whose election propaganda claimed that I had no achievements to my name? That I had no experience? That I don't have what it takes? That the job is too big for me? Bibi: I meant your clothes are too big for you, because ... you've really slimmed down lately ... And that other stuff - That wasn't me, that was Sa'ar who said ... I, on the other hand, said that ... Tzipi: Just say it: "Two states for two peoples" and "Rotation" - and I'm yours. Is that so hard for you to say? Bibi: "True steaks for blue pebbles" - and "Mutation" - There, I said it. Tzipi: You haven't changed, I see. Pardon me - I must be going. Bibi: You have to understand, I can't say it. What would Dad say? Tzipi: So long and take care. And good luck to you, and to Feiglin, and to Begin, to Katche'le and Tzatzke'le and the guy from Kahane Chai. Bibi: How about Knesset Speaker, too? An office with a window? Bogey's head on a brass tray? Tzipush, don't leave me here alone with them and with myself. You know what? Take the lighter home to Spitzer and sleep on it. Okay? 2. Between Bibi and Barak Barak: Let me pat you on the back. Way to go! You did it. Now listen - here's what we're gonna do ... Bibi: "We"? Barak: Shhh - They don't need to know ... But first of all - Tell me, what went down in your talk with Tzipluha? Bibi: She says no. But Sa'ar is already preparing the PR attack: "She's harming national unity" ... "At such a dangerous time as this" ... "She showed herself to be a unity-refuser of the most treacherous type" ... "Her behavior is reminiscent of the darkest periods in history" ... "Capo" ... I heard that Limon Humtzat also let loose: "Who does this Tzipi think she is anyway?" Barak: I see. It's just as I expected, except vice-versa, as usual. So listen: You have to catch them off guard. While they're checking out the plushiness of the armchairs, or examining their first governmental pay stub, or while Bogey's busy wiping his glasses - Then we attack and outflank them on two fronts: in the south and in the north. The sectors heat up, we've got an emergency situation on our hands, unity is called for, I'm in the Defense Ministry. Bibi: But I already promised the portfolio to at least three Likudniks, Liebermanians and plants in Kadima ... Barak: Trust me. I'll bring the war, you'll bring me the defense portfolio. Piece of cake. 3. Between Shaul and Mofaz Shaul: Watch it, now. I mean it. You've got to maintain that blank expression. Otherwise, they'll see right through you. Mofaz: Don't worry. Poker face is my middle name. True, they know exactly what I want and why I'm here, but a solemn expression is what the situation demands. "Concern for the state of the nation." "Party member." "Listens to its leader" - leader! As if! Shaul: Careful! - Your lips moved just now and you almost said that aloud. Mofaz: It's all right. Everything's under control. Tomorrow I'll submit a proposal "to convene a discussion about the core principles" and in the meantime I'll try to form a bridgehead with my forces in the Likud. Barak's party won't let him have his way, Bogey will be busy polishing his glasses, I'll be returning to my ministry, and the rest - is war history. The only question is what to do about this woman who's stuck like a bone in all our throats. Shaul: Shhh - She's looking at us. Just nod. A meek little smile. Good, that's it. Mofaz: Hey, remember what we did that time to our friend Jibril Rajoub? With the house and the tank shell? Shaul: Don't even go there ... Mofaz: No, I was just reminiscing. Bookmark to del.icio.us   Demjanjuk sentence Former Nazi camp guard Demjanjuk charged 29,000 times. The infamous scam Why does Bernard Madoff evoke record-breaking resentment?

Read & React Clinton: U.S. Gaza aid tied to recognition of Israel Responses: 69 Gideon Levy: Everyone agrees the war in Gaza was a failure Responses: 82 Ari Shavit: Netanyahu has what it takes to meet Israel's challenges Responses: 12 Tom Segev: How many Nazi criminals did Germany punish in 60 years? Responses: 12 More Headlines 14:19 Hamas: Factions trying to reconcile differences over Israel 14:01 Pope: Vatican erred over bishop who denied Holocaust 03:25 Clinton: U.S. Gaza aid tied to recognition of Israel 13:32 Livni: Israel still a long way from achieving gender equality 12:02 Katsav accuser: 'He tried to take down my pants, there was a struggle' 13:27 Israeli wins French prize for book questioning origins of Jewish people 13:02 Lawyer: Iraqi journalist jailed for 3 years for hurling shoes at Bush 09:51 Gates: U.S. to be highly cautious in launching pre-emptive strike 03:57 How Demjanjuk escaped justice in Israel 10:13 Australia threatens to quit Durban 2 anti-racism meet 11:53 Holocaust survivor couple brutally robbed, beaten in Afula home 14:14 Gideon Levy / Everyone agrees: War in Gaza was a failure 11:36 Israel's first New Zealand film festival kicks off this week 13:58 U.S. official slams Israel 'lobby' after withdrawing from top intel post Previous Editions Select Day 11 mar 10 mar 09 mar 08 mar 06 mar 05 mar 04 mar 03 mar 02 mar 01 mar 27 feb 26 feb

Special Offers Advertisement Spring Specials-Dan Hotels Jerusalem from 179$. Tel-Aviv from 223$. Herzliya from 336$ Dead Sea Skin Care Quality cosmetics from the Dead Sea. Coupon code HAARETZ for 12% off! Summer in Israel Israeli style - Tzofim Chetz V'Keshet 2009 Passover Vacations The BEST Passover Vacations around ? Mexico, Arizona and Florida Camp Kimama Israel 2009 The best place for your children this summer Eldan Rent a Car Israel's leading car rental company offers you a 20% discount on online reservations Jewish Singles Personal Ads Find the love of your life on JDate.com Junkyard Junk a car - get free towing nationwide and a tax-deductible receipt

Home | TV | Print Edition | Diplomacy | Opinion | Arts & Leisure | Sports | Jewish World | | Israel 2009 election results

Site rules | Makom: Engaging on Israel | Search engine marketing

Haaretz.com, the online edition of Haaretz Newspaper in Israel, offers real-time breaking news, opinions and analysis from Israel and the Middle East. Haaretz.com provides extensive and in-depth coverage of Israel, the Jewish World and the Middle East, including defense, diplomacy, the Arab-Israeli conflict, the peace process, Israeli politics, Jerusalem affairs, international relations, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, the Palestinian Authority, the West Bank and the Gaza Strip, the Israeli business world and Jewish life in Israel and the Diaspora.

© Copyright  Haaretz. All rights reserved