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A short history of the short circuit By Doron Rosenblum Tags: Eitan Cabel, israel news  I don't know why they always come running in the end to me, an old neighborhood electrician who doesn't really understand today's newfangled technology (that's more my son Router's department; he knows computers, too): Surely there are bigger experts than me in electronics and computer equipment, in complex software and broadband or narrowband communications, or whatever you call it. I admit it, there are plenty of modern home appliances that are beyond me by now. In the old days, people would bring me a broken phonograph or tape recorder and I'd open up the back and check if the rubber band had gone slack or the power supply was gone (NIS 250), or if it was just a fuse that blew because of faulty wire insulation (NIS 850). I even knew a bit about televisions: I could tell when a receiver had blown or the screen's light bulb was kaput, and then I'd advise Mrs. Kurtz to go for a complete overhaul (at an average cost of 2.7 times the original price of the appliance, and after taking out a three-year mortgage). Anyhow, what is there really to repair there, in those computerized boxes with their chips and microscopic electric circuits? Nowadays, there are two options: The first is to "just throw it away and buy a new one," as my son recommends (after charging NIS 470 for a visit, not including VAT or the cost of transporting the broken gizmo to the computer lab in the Sha'ar Hanegev industrial zone); and the second, the option I always choose, is to poke around in the machine for three days with a screwdriver until it makes a "pinggg" sound, indicating that the thing is unquestionably dead as a doorknob (or has suffered a slipped disk). Advertisement In short: You won't find the last word in nanotechnology at the electrical shop of Shalter & Son, Backyard Repairs. But I do still know a thing or two about electrical currents, grounding and circuitry. My son Router says I'm being too modest: He says I'm gifted with "good old electrical common sense that counts for more than technological sophistication." He insists that all the glitches with Microsoft software could have been avoided from the outset if they'd just included an old-timer like me on the board of directors. He may be on to something there. So what am I really trying to say? That despite my not-young age and the modest appearance of my shop - apparently, I have gained a certain reputation in this country. It's a fact that, every once in a while, people come running specifically to me, when some system has crashed or something electronic has gone awry (when it came to the mechanism that detonated the bomb at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem, however, they came to me too late; and you won't hear another word from me about connecting the plug that could wake up Ariel Sharon). At any rate, a week ago, around noon, a car pulled up on my street and a panicky fellow with a short fuse came rushing into my shop: "Mr. Shalter! I was told to come to you: You must help me! Our computer system has crashed and the primary is ruined!" "Pardon me," I asked as I wiped the yogurt from my mustache, "but who are you, sir?" "Cable!" he replied. "No problem! Which do you want: Coaxial? Optic? Three-phase?" "No, no - Cabel! The Cabel with Barak [lightning, in Hebrew]!" "Ah, you want yellow copper cable for grounding?" "No, no: I'm Cable! I mean, I'm Cabel!" "You? You're Cabel?!" In short, it took a little while for my starter to ignite and for me to realize that this was Eitan Cabel, secretary general of the Labor Party, or what's left of it. He was practically in tears as he described to me what happened: People went to vote for their candidates, they pressed "Enter" - and nothing happened! They just heard a noise that sounded like "Buji!" and then the computer went dead. Now they didn't know what to do. I tried to tell him that I don't know much about computers, but he flung himself at me, pleading: "Believe me, Mr. Shalter. We employed the best computerization company, we consulted with the biggest computer experts, we used a program that can calculate not only how many seats we're going to lose in the elections, but also the exact width of the seat that Fuad will sit on at the cabinet table. Now we just need a good electrician! Help me!" I scratched my stubble, and after brief consideration, asked: "Were the computers connected to a central computer?" "Were they supposed to be?" "Hmmm ... And you plugged in the central computer?" The stunned look on his face gave me the answer: All the other experts and advisers had apparently had a better idea. A week later, a Likud car came to a screeching halt outside my shop. The same story. The same problem, more or less. The same flimsy connections. Only this time it wasn't Cabel, but Hutobli. My son, Router Shalter, keeps explaining to me that Israel is one of the world's most technologically advanced high-tech superpowers. But it doesn't always have a plug to insert in the outlet, even when someone actually remembers to do it. In other words, it has the brain of a Prof. Einstein, with an infrastructure and body that would make even Dr. Frankenstein despair. Isolated bubbles of Western progress within a Third World-country sea. It turns out, for instance, that the mishap in the Likud primaries arose because copper thieves stole a manhole cover over a communications line near Modi'in, and as a result, a stray jackal fell in and gnawed at the cables until all communications in the center of the country were disrupted. And then there was also the tractor that sliced into some cables in the Beit Shemesh area. And on top of that, it rained. "Say no more," I said after I heard all this. For any child knows that a little rain paralyzes all motor-vehicle traffic in Israel, and causes all the traffic lights to go on the fritz, not to mention the satellite reception. I pondered all the malfunctions for which my help had been desperately sought: the vote-counting mix-up on "A Star is Born" [Israeli American Idol]; the dead microphone at the Likud central committee meeting; the Arrow missile test; the three days of technical difficulties at the Yes cable network. And I shudder to think what will happen when - as in the Second Lebanon War, as with the Qassam rocket fire on the south of the country - the illusion that we possess some sort of technological superiority over our neighbors in the military sphere is dashed yet again. What will happen if and when a hail of ballistic missiles flies at Israel again, and it turns out that somebody pissed on the carburetor cover of the sophisticated radar supplied to us by the Americans, causing it to short-circuit and bring up a rerun of a Tzipi Shavit special on the screen? Or somebody inserts an Avi Bitter CD instead of a data disk in the Homa missile-defense computer? Not to mention what will happen if gum is stuck somewhere on the bomb-release switch of an F-16. But, just to remind you all: Old Shalter who does repairs in the yard won't be around forever. Bookmark to del.icio.us   Picking up the pieces U.S. Jews ponder 'catastrophic' effects of Bernard Madoff affair. Little Adolf Three-year-old Adolf Hitler finally gets his name on his birthday cake.

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