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What does a parent say when a child asks: How can a dad kill his children?
By Ruth Sinai
Tags: Israel News, Hod Hasharon

What do you tell a child who asks how a father can murder his two children and their mother? Child psychologists say the answer depends on how old the child is and how much he is capable of understanding.

"Such a situation confronts a child with a loss of innocence," said Binyamina Shilo, a senior educational and developmental psychologist. "The older they are, the more this situation frightens them."

Prof. Amiram Raviv, dean of the psychology faculty at the Center for Academic Studies in Or Yehuda, said that generally, children under age six are not interested in what happens to others, because their world revolves around themselves.
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But what if the murdered child was in the same kindergarten?

Shilo: "Under no circumstances should you tell them that their friend's father killed him. You can say the child went away, that the family no longer lives here."

And if a young child hears from someone else that his classmate was killed by his father?

Shilo: "You can't deny it. You say that something very sad happened, that this isn't how a father is supposed to behave."

Raviv: "In general, the less you expose young children to the media, the better."

What about older children?

Shilo: "From age five up, children understand more. You can tell them that the father did not understand what he was doing, that something happened to him, he got very confused, he didn't mean to hurt his children. You have to distance the threat."

And if the child asks how you know he didn't mean to?

Shilo: "You can explain that the fact that he also hurt himself says that something terrible certainly happened inside his head. You're essentially trying to explain a psychotic attack. You need to be soothing and say that this is something very unusual, to maintain the child's faith in adults."

What if the child asks whether this could happen in his family?

Shilo: "Children are always liable to ask something like 'if you get angry with me, will you also kill me?' You must soothe him, tell the child that you love him and his mother very much, because you're the one who's supposed to protect him, who he can rely on. If you see he's interested, you can encourage him to ask and say there are things that even we, the adults, don't understand, because things like this almost never happen."

Raviv: "The parent's job is to explain that this is rare, and that is why they talk about it on the radio and television. Children who are exposed to arguments or violence between their parents might react to such a case with greater fear. Tension between parents can be very frightening to children."

What is considered a normal reaction to such an incident?

Shilo: "Children can react in all kinds of ways. You need to make sure they aren't exceptional - that they aren't afraid to go to sleep, that they aren't excessively preoccupied with the matter. If it preoccupies them greatly, it's important to get them to talk ... If the fear and preoccupation are severe, seek professional help."

Raviv: "Some children are more sensitive and ask more questions. You don't always have to tell the whole truth. Sometimes you can talk about it again after a day or two, depending on the child's level of understanding and interest. But most children grow up in loving, supportive families, and if they are young, they generally forget after two days."

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