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Manners With all due respect By Shoham Smith Tags: Etiquette, illustrated books  Nimusim na'im legvarot ule'adonim (Proper Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen), collected, edited, written and illustrated by Hadar Kimhi Kinneret Books (in Hebrew) 140 pages, NIS 69 Dear Ms. Kimhi, I Advertisement t is my pleasurable duty to congratulate you on the publication of your sweet little book on proper etiquette for ladies and gentlemen. True, it is only a slim volume containing a total of 45 dos and don'ts -- a tiny number, compared to the cornucopia of riches offered by works like Baruch Barkai's "Encyclopedia of Etiquette" and the legendary Hannah Bavli's "Guide to Table Manners" -- but it does contain amusing retro illustrations and lots of "space" (as they call judiciously planned blank pages in our day). A small book such as yours will easily find a place for itself on coffee tables, alongside the biscuits, the cucumber sandwiches, and the porcelain teacups daintily sipped by ladies and gentlemen who we can only hope are sitting up straight and not making any sudden moves that could cause their tea to slosh around and get the pages wet. Such a scenario is indeed alluded to in the patches of subtle irony, applied with artistic flair, humor and great talent to the rules of etiquette you have collected, as you say in the introduction, from "old dusty manners books, many of which might elicit snorts of derision today." And yet, laughs and ridicule aside, you believe that there is a kernel of truth in these things, and we have a lot to learn. "A healthy dose of refinement and some sanding down of those prickly edges wouldn't hurt at all!" Precisely, Ms. Kimhi. We are a prickly bunch, and over the past few years, we seem to be getting even pricklier, perhaps in direct proportion to the number of people spitting on our city sidewalks. "Spitting on the sidewalk is a disgusting habit, not to mention a public health hazard." "Dancing with your partner tucked under your arm as if she were some kind of orthopedic device is an abomination." "Swinging your partner around and around as if she were a top is physical aggression." You are right, Ms. Kimhi, and the fact that we agree brings me great joy. Nevertheless, your hope (articulated on the back cover) that the book "will guide us all toward a better, more cultured and refined life in the Land of Israel" -- even if it is meant in jest -- is a paradoxical aspiration. Let's have a look, my dear, at the mortals in your book and what they need to do for the sake of good manners: Men must not scratch their heads when delivering a public speech. They must not tell funny stories about their wives that are liable to embarrass or shame them. They must be interesting in company. They must be knowledgeable, and read books and newspapers. They must learn the art of storytelling. When walking with a woman, they must always be on the curb side in order to shield her from possible harm. At a dance party, they must pay equal attention to all the women. Women must smile warmly when they meet acquaintances. When wearing a dress or skirt, they must always remember to cross their legs slightly. When holding a dinner for friends, they must serve roast beef. They must never apply lipstick at the table. Housewives must wear an apron over their work clothes. Secretaries must make sure to dress well and be nicely groomed to ensure a pleasant atmosphere at the office. The problem, Ms. Kimhi, starts with the rules themselves. Old-fashioned rules of etiquette, like clothing departments in stodgy department stores, distinguish between men and women. They set different standards based on social class and work to entrench an old social order (such as the social order in America in the 1950s, reflected in your illustrations). So the men are free, with careers, intellectual skills and sex drives, whereas women are flighty and jealous, or docile servants. But you of all people, Ms. Kimhi, with the power of your paintbrush and your talents, could have done something to change that picture somewhat. You could have scolded women who scratch their heads while delivering a speech, and you could have admonished men "not to wear bathing suits with flashy colors or provocative designs that breach the rules of good breeding." You are just too polite, Ms. Kimhi. Shoham Smith is a writer and literary critic. Haaretz Books Supplement, August 2008 Bookmark to del.icio.us   History in the making N.Y. governor pays historic visit to Orthodox synagogue for Sabbath services. Under the rubble Five Palestinians suffocate to death after Egypt blows up tunnel.

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