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Michelle Cove
Michelle Cove is the Editor of 614, the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute webzine for Jewish women that "offers an opportunity to explore what Jewish experts, authors and scholars are discussing around the world." She has been writing and editing for national magazines and websites for over 15 years, including her positions as Editor-in-Chief of JVibe (the national magazine for Jewish teens), Senior Editor for Girls' Life, and Senior Editor of Mother Earth News.
In 2006, Cove started a blog for Jewish Women's Archive called Jewesses with Attitude, geared to 20- and 30-something Jewish women. In 1999, Michelle co-authored the national bestseller I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A new understanding of mother-daughter conflict.
We will discuss issues related to young Jews and their parents. Readers can send questions to rosnersdomain@haaretz.co.il.
Dear Michelle,
These will be the last two questions. Both came from readers and both are challenging enough to nearly overwhelm you.
1. Building on your experience with the younger generation of American Jews, can you please try to give us your best assessment as to what American Judaism will look like in 20-30 years?
I wish I had a brilliant prediction for you. I don't. I only know that having spent a lot of time talking with secular Jewish youth in the past few years, I heard a lot of the same thoughts over and over across the country. Mainly, I heard them say that while they don't feel very religious, they do take pride in their Jewish identity and want to learn more about Judaism in ways that are appealing to them. This was true even of Jewish kids whose parents were totally removed from all religious life. Many said they also want to learn about other religions and understand how non-Jews think and believe. In general, they said they like hanging out with other young Jews and feel connected with them in a way that's different than with their other friends. How do their viewpoints play out in 20 to 30 years? We'll see.
2. You took the time to point out that you refrained from revealing your feelings (or views) about intermarriage in your reply to a previous question. Can I ask for it now? and if you're not going to divulge your feelings, can you explain why?
I can tell you how I feel when it comes to myself and what I'd want for my child. I think it's really challenging to find someone who you want to spend your life with. It's easy to find someone who you like watching movies with and dining out with, and someone who you makes you laugh. It's another thing to find someone who will be a really strong partner for life, someone who will be by your side when you feel like you're falling apart, who is proud of your achievements even if they are going through a tough time, who wakes up to takes care of the baby at 3 a.m., who makes you a better person just for the knowing them. The person whom I found that with is Jewish, and I am happy about that. But if he wasn't, I'd still choose him, religious conflicts or not. I want my daughter to find someone who will also make her life better, and I hope he is Jewish. And if he is not, then he will be fully accepted and embraced anyway.
I have to say about the interfaith issue that looking through all the comments posted below, it's somewhat disheartening. We Jews are less than one percent of the people, and it's just depressing to see how fractured and aggressive we can be with one another. I'm sure some people will attack the fact that I will support my daughter whether or not she marries Jewish, assuming she marries at all. That's fine. I'm all for sparking conversation, that's what I enjoy most in my line of work. But it's one thing to thing to discuss and ask questions and try to learn from one another. It's another thing to simply tear other people down. With hopes that I don't sound preachy, I think we have a lot to learn from the teens mentioned above who are curious about understanding other cultures without feeling threatened.
Dear Ms. Cove,
I have enjoyed and admired your interview thus far. This question maybe going a little off track.
Our 19-year-old daughter seemed to be fine but lately she has been acting out in the worst possible ways. She has said she wants tobecome a rabbi but her behavior lately indicates otherwise as she shows no interest in her Judaism or Jewish values. She and I are constantly fighting and my husband doesn't want to get involved in
"whatever weird dynamic is going on between the two of you." I am hoping this is a phase that will pass as we all mature, but until then is there anything I can do to survive and still have a relationship with my daughter when it is over?
Thanks for your help,
Karen
Thanks, Karen.
Mother-daughter relationships tend to be so intense and complicated. I already feel that my two-year-old daughter both loves and hates me more than anyone in the world. It's safe for our daughters to take out their angst and frustration on us (whether it's a two-year-old who wants to
wear the pink dress or a 19-year-old who isn't sure what she wants to do at a time when she's being asked to figure it out). It's safe because they know we love them no matter what. Your daughter will absolutely find her way. The best thing you can do is keep telling her that you
know she will do so and that you love her. It's easy to lock horns when they spit out fightin' words, but it's much better for both of you if you can say, "This is clearly a frustrating time for you but I really know you are going to work this out. I am so confident about that." Evenif she looks miserable, those words will sink in and be appreciated. And just keep breathing.
Dear Ms. Cove,
What can I tell my son when he says that going to shul is not cool? He already had his Bar Mitzvah and I have no means of convincing him.
Thank you for your advice.
Rebecca.
I just don't think you're going to be able to convince him - and the more you force it, the more he's going to turn his back on it. For what it's worth, I can tell you that I felt that way as a teen, as did most of my friends. We all had lousy experiences at Hebrew school and dropped out of the Jewish community as soon as we had our bar/bat mitzvah. I came back in my early 30s when I was ready to start learning again, and wanted to help other young Jews find better and more positive ways to learn about the religion. I think a lot more synagogues are "getting it" today in terms of figuring out how to make Jewish life more appealing to youth, but we still have a looong way to go.
Dear Shmuel Rosner,
I would like to ask Michelle Cove why at all she thinks it's important to brain-wash our kids' minds. Let them marry whomever they happen to love!
Robert Alter
Dear Robert:
Hmmm, "brainwashing" is maybe a little strong given that I didn't even offer my opinion on interfaith marriages. My very point is that parents can't and shouldn't try to brainwash their teen because it's unhealthy for the teen's development and counterproductive.
Dear Ms. Cove,
Why is it that boys find it so much more difficult to connect with their Judaic heritage?
Thank you.
Agi Bendavid
You should check out the latest issue of 614, which revolves around the theme "Is Judaism a Girl Thing"? I'm not just offering a shameless plug here. The issue offers various perspectives on your question - including the big recent question about whether there is a Jewish "boy crisis" going on.
Dear Michelle,
Let's make life somewhat more dificult for you by using specific examples. The most obvious: what to you say about intermarriage? Do you try to convince the Jewish youngsters to marry-in, do you leave it to them?
Using your method of "connecting them to topics they are already thinking about" one might wonder: how can one square the conflicting messages of pluralism and particularism?
Best,
Rosner
First of all, you're right. Many kids today see the idea of interfaith as cool. They're being exposed all the time through pop culture - in MTV videos, print and TV ads for their iPod, etc. - that it's beautiful to look at all of us in the world as the same. If we open our hearts and minds, we can end up with someone once considered "different."
If you take that further, the dream is that we can truly be without prejudice because we'll all marry one another, have babies, and be genetically linked into one group of people. So parents who do want their kids to be proud of their unique religion and culture have a tough obstacle.
What can parents against interfaith marriage do? They can continue to expose their kids to Jewish summer camps, youth groups, to pop culture picks that encourage Jewish pride, to exposing them to Jewish role models. I can say from working with teens that it's a big mistake to try to "convince" them to believe exacly what you believe.
There are several years before kids hit their teens where they really want to please the parents. But then as teens, it's their job to push back and say "I want space to figure out my beliefs for myself." This is obviously pretty terrifying for parents. But it's important to note that teens may tell you they disagree even if they are perfectly in accord with your beliefs.
They may change their minds a half dozen times in a week. They are testing out - under the safety net of loving parents - what it feels like to be a separate person with their own set of values. That's really healthy, even if it feels, well, crappy. And there's the reality side: it just doesn't work to say "this is what you believe" to a teen. It's a lot like trying to tell how a cat how you'd like it to act.
Dear Michelle,
So how does one makes Judaism "engaging and relevant to young Jews"? And let's start not with a detailed plan but rather with the principles: What is it that people should be looking for if they want to engage children and make them Jewish-conscious?
Best
Rosner
First of all, you don't do it by guilting them into it, as in "you owe it to the people." See, you got me fired up!
You teach Judaism and Jewish values by connecting them to topics they are already thinking about. It's hard for kids/teens to relate to stories that happened thousands of years ago, unless you find a way to make it contemporary. Say you're talking to kids/teens about Tz'ni'ut, or modesty, and you tell them that it's important - They're going to roll their eyes at you. They don't want to be talked down to and are likely to believe you have no idea what it's like today. But if you ask them how they feel when they see really young celebrities wearing skimpy clothing and open up a discussion, you introduce a Jewish value in a way they can connect to. What's so amazing about Judaism is that all these ancient values are still so totally applicable and helpful. If you show young Jews how helpful these values can be when making tough decisions, you give them a gift they can keep relying upon. What better way to engage them?
Dear Michelle,
Your short comment presenting the third issue of "614" reminded me how tricky it must be for a woman to be a feminist.
Women are now the majority in most Jewish (non-Orthodox) institutions and in many of them they assume the leading roles. Presumably, the revolution was a huge success. But you don't seem to be happy about it.
"As Jewish women," you write, "should we be enjoying this power to make decisions after so many years of exclusion, or figuring out ways to bring men back into the fold?"
So, should you?
Best
Rosner
Well, I have to start by saying how much I liked having the different perspectives in this issue. It riled up a bunch of readers, but the whole point of 614 is to "spark conversation" so they'll think and talk through each issue.
That said, for me the whole idea of feminism is equality. It's not take over and "win the revolution"; it's to make sure that we all have an equal say in how things are set up from the get go and then maintained or, if need be, changed. That certainly holds true, I think, in how decisions are to be made in the Jewish community.
On a pragmatic note, the Jewish community obviously needs to engage all Jews. According to the last National Jewish Population Survey in 2000, the average number of kids that Jews are having today is 1.7, not enough to replenish us as a people. So it makes no sense to exclude an entire sex from participating in the discussion and decision making. It's crucial that we work with one another to figure out how to make Judaism engaging and relevant to young Jews because we know so many are fleeing. That's what I've been focusing on for the last several years.
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