No more sex for Reform youth, the rabbi says

13:55
1. Thursday afternoon, I was still in Houston, so I got to sit with Rabbi Eric Yoffie, president of the Union for Reform Judaism, and discuss the speech he was preparing to give today at the biennial of his movement. "It's about sex," he smiles: "High school students should not be having sexual relations." This is the message he starts with this year. It is very urgent, he thinks.

But first things first - the most revealing sentence I find in the speech is a more general statement one can read as a key to the Yoffie state of mind these days: "The problem for our synagogues may be," says Yoffie, "that we are not very good at saying 'no' in Reform Judaism... In the realm of personal behavior, we are reluctant to ever use the word 'forbidden'." This, he believes, should be changed somewhat. A more restrictive movement, more demanding, more - should I dare say - conservative movement, is the one Rabbi Yoffie envisions. If you were a politician, I tell him, one would apply to you the overly employed phrase "mugged by reality." The do-whatever-you-want approach just doesn't work for a movement that needs members to be committed. So you basically ask the congregation to do more: study more, go to Israel more, practice more. Yoffie smiles again. He has a nice, gentle, smile. But listen to what he has to say to the youngsters of the movement, and listen seriously:

"A growing number of middle school students are sexually active, and oral sex is both prevalent and widely accepted. Most striking of all is a social ethic known as 'hooking up' that severs sex from any pretense of a relationship. 'Hooking up' can refer to different kinds of physical contact, but it always means a casual, no-strings-attached sexual encounter. It means getting physical without getting emotional... the Union has created a six-session course for bar and bat mitzvah-age students in our religious schools... we do not tell our kids that sex before marriage is forbidden. Since many of them will not marry for fifteen years after the onset of puberty, it is unreasonable to suggest that this traditional standard should be maintained for young people who are adults? On the other hand, we say in the clearest possible way that high school students should not be having sexual relations. Our teens are not adults. They are beset by tension with parents, pressure from friends, a desire for approval, and an uncertain sense of self. This means that students in high school are not yet ready for the loving, mutual relationships that make sex an experience of holiness."

Unrestricted-hippie-liberal-permissiveness? Maybe it's the wrong movement for you. Being reform doesn't mean one needs no rules, so Yoffie says.

2.

Now take a look at another issue Yoffie dealt with in his speech. Again, the same general mood, same general notion: "True, it is difficult to formalize boundaries and to say 'no,' particularly for our movement, which always prefers to open doors and build bridges. But sometimes it is necessary."

The subject: kids from mixed families who attend both Jewish and Christian education, as their parents can't make up their mind: "The Jewish parent, wishing to avoid conflict with a spouse's family, may feel that some Jewish exposure is better than none; and synagogue officials are reluctant to take steps that may alienate interfaith families. Nonetheless, there is no escaping that dual education is harmful and unfair to the child," says Yoffie.

"Our rabbis and educators," he suggests, should "meet with parents, explain the reasons for choosing a single religious tradition, and offer them study and counseling that will enable them to make this choice wisely."

"Let us not forget the lesson of King Solomon, who - faced with two mothers claiming the same child - knew that the parent who refused to cut the child in half was the one who loved him more."

3. After saying no twice, there's also a yes side to the coin of commitment. Yoffie speaks of the very sensitive issue of inter-marriage, as he begins with the praise that should be bestowed on those non-Jews driving their kids to Sunday school, camp, Torah study etc. "When a spouse involves herself in the activities of the synagogue; offers support to the Jewish involvements of husband or wife; attends Jewish worship; and, most important of all, commits to raising Jewish children, he or she is deserving not only of welcome but of our profound thanks."

"These spouses are heroes - yes, heroes - of Jewish life," Yoffie says. "While maintaining some measure of attachment to their own traditions, and sometimes continuing to practice their religion, they take on responsibilities that, by any reasonable calculation, belong to the Jewish spouse. And very often they do all of this without recognition from either their Jewish family or their synagogue."

However, Yoffie does not forget who is a Jew. "By making non-Jews feel comfortable and accepted in our congregations, we have sent the message that we do not care if they convert. But that is not our message," he preaches, urging a more aggressive approach to conversion. Being Jewish and non-Jewish might both be good ? but not identical.

"We need to say to the potential converts in our midst: 'We would love to have you.' And, in fact, we owe them an apology for not having said it sooner? Ask, but do not pressure. Encourage, but do not insist... and yes, there will be those for whom conversion will never be an option... but none of this is a reason for inaction. The time has come to reverse direction by returning to public conversions and doing all the other things that encourage conversion in our synagogues."